OF MANIFESTOS AND HONOR AMONG ADULTERERS

*Because I Care #24

Life as a man of god is terribly hard. I understand this. Not because I have ever been a man of god but because as a man of the earth, I know how hard temptation is. It is not people like us the devil chases relentlessly. It is the men who have heaven in their hearts and god on their lips. That is why once I become Head of State I will reach out to fellow Head of State of the Vatican to allow his priests to marry. 

I was not surprised when a certain young woman wrote a blog about how a certain Pastor Biodun of the Commonwealth of Zion Assembly told her to come sit on his laps in his hotel in London. Like the devil did to Jesus, he allegedly took her to a high place- the roof- to complete his temptation. According to her account, she sat down, obedient to the man of god as he started showing her visions of a sexual nature. She stated how she kept going back for more, until, seven days later, her conscience reminded her of the sinfulness of her course. I don’t like people who kiss and tell but I am bitterly angry with this COZA pastor. The far reaching implications of this pastor’s choice of words has given me sleepless nights. Especially now that many people are considering this woman a victim of abuse. 

“Come sit on my laps” is a term that has over hundreds of years been used by well meaning men to indicate interest in furthering the scope of physical activity with a woman. That phrase used to be decent. The invitee would either decline or walk over and sit on the inviter’s laps. It used to be simple. Now, by virtue of this pastor’s alleged impropriety and the attendant victim status that this woman has gained, this time-tested phrase has descended into the realm of the vulgar and the abusive. No woman who has read this story will hear the words “come sit on my laps” with the same ears. This once affectionate phrase will now be treated like hate speech. Oh, the damage this pastor has caused.

As president I will propose a disclaimer form for use by people who want to have affairs and not be accused of abuse or victimization. If there exists a valid, duly signed affair-disclaimer form- one copy for every occasion of coitus- abuse cannot be alleged. It would read fairly like this:

“I ________ a human of full age without any legal impediments to granting consent, in a state of full sobriety and grace, knowing full well the marital status of the undersigned and the possible consequences of our actions in this affair on either party or third parties, do hereby affirm that I have begun this affair of my own volition, without manipulation, pressure or fear of threats, intimidation or abuse from the undersigned and agree to have carnal knowledge of the undersigned within the limits of what is fair and possible for the human body.”

This is not to promote adultery but to limit cases of blackmail and unfair accusations of abuse. As president, one must not allow one’s personal morality affect his ability to make laws for sinners and non-sinners alike. Because there should be honor even among adulterers and fornicators. 

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So I heard that my rivals in the APC met in Abuja to release their manifesto. That is fine. I like competition. It is important to see how different my manifesto will be, seeing as the APC one is a mere edited version of the PDP one. I will just remind my supporters and other undecided voters about my manifesto which I released about 6 months ago. Here is a recap:

I will ban commissioning ceremonies. This is mostly because I find it a waste of resources. Think of all those blue, red and yellow ribbons we buy only to have them cut by the politician commissioning the project. Why waste ribbons in that manner? I will save the millions spent on those ceremonies.

I will not change the names on government projects. I explained that the reason for this is purely self-preservation. I want my name to remain on the projects that I start and my face on the things I initiate, like my soon-to-be predecessor is doing now. I believe there is space for more posters and billboards in our cities.

I will not marry. I do not need to reiterate, especially in the light of the Rivers saga, how important this is. At least I will end Wole Soyinka’s hobby of insulting the wives of presidents. I will not put my lover in the position to be called a mere appendage of power. No one will use my wife to try to get to me. This will free a lot of time for matters of State.

I will keep growing my moustache. I said before and I will say again, that we have not had a decent Head of State who didn’t keep a moustache. General Buhari who is generally believed, even by his enemies to be the least corrupt Head of State, kept and still keeps a moustache. When General Obasanjo was still decent, he had a moustache. This must mean something, I am not sure the connection, but it is clear there is some connection. If the current president had any love for Nigeria, he would grow a moustache.

I will not wear a cap or hat. This is also crucial to the survival of our nation. There is a reason our country has been going from bad to worse. I cannot say this will work but we have to try a man who will, for once, leave his hair open in public.

I will sell off most of the planes in our presidential fleet and ride a bicycle through Abuja city. The connection between always riding in tinted cars, weight gain, and bad governance should be clear to any Nigerian who cares to see. Because I will always use the roads, the roads will improve, my weight will be controlled and so will my health and mood. Will that not make me a better president?

As I add to my manifesto, I will inform the voting public. Little by little it will be clear, that apart from my superior looks, my manifesto is practical, different and worthy of your votes.

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Ps. So ASUU is still on strike?