HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN

(Or The Gospel According to Stella Damasus)

Let us begin by establishing a premise. The world exists and is run for the enjoyment of men. Women are a means to that end. Good women learn how to keep their men happy. Bad women become feminists. Or lesbians. Or old, single and angry. And a woman without a man is doing something wrong. 

Now that we have established these important facts, let us now consider the very important needs of men, for the benefit of all the sensible women of the world. One of our source materials will be the wise recent blog of Nollywood star Stella Damasus appropriately titled ‘How to Keep Your Man’. I am sure she wouldn’t mind the fact that I have stolen her title. She is a good woman and as we will see from her blog, she knows a thing or two about keeping men happy; I am a man. 

Stella says: “They want to feel like they are in control of things which is not bad because they are the head.” I agree with her. Men need to be in control. Women need to let them be in control. All the problems of the world begin when women do not let men control them. If you ask me it is the cause of the saga in Rivers State. If only Dame would read Stella’s blog. 

Stella says: “They don’t want to come home to a fat mama who is the opposite of the sexy curvy woman he fell in love with, because she let herself go after they got married.” Super smart Stella. Men are the only people allowed to grow fat and get beer bellies and let themselves go. Women need to learn to be loving toward the fatness of men. Learn how to caress the huge bellies of their men when they come home from a night-out drinking. There is space for only one fat person in a marriage. And Stella and I agree, that space is not for the woman. 

Stella says: “They want a wife, girlfriend, sorry to say (personal call girl) which is not a bad thing because he is your husband who is free to express his sexual desires as long as they are not life threatening or demeaning.” Why aren’t more streets named after Stella? This is what a marriage is: an arrangement designed to provide non-stop sexual enjoyment for men. A good woman is a faithful tool in this regard, her primary purpose being to fulfill her lord and master’s sexual desires. God bless all the good women of the world who are keeping men happy. 

Stella says: “They don’t want to come and hug you after work with you smelling of onions and oil…They want to come home to a nice smelling neat and tidy home…They want to walk into the bedroom with the bed all made up and clothes arranged.” I could not have put this better. Only a man is allowed to smell of sweat from work. A woman is not allowed to smell of the work she may have been doing in the kitchen. So while he brings his sweaty smelly body to hug his woman, she must not have any non-perfumed smells on her body. She must take in his body odours and even let those odours arouse her. This is what a good woman does. She makes sure everything is perfect for the man. Bad women lose their men. Good women keep their men. 

Stella says: “if you do not try to do at least 60 percent of this regularly… a younger version of you will cross his path and …your matter will quietly end. This girl will rock his world…These girls can give him all these things and even more that the men find it so difficult to resist.” A word is enough for the wise. A word is enough for the good woman. I cannot add anything to this wisdom. 

Stella concludes with this clear warning: “if you are guilty of these crimes and are depriving your husband of what is rightfully his then don’t be shocked when a younger version of you gets the best of him.” I agree. Because this is what men are: animals, living by instinct, moving to where the grass is more lush. But important animals. Sacred animals that must be pleased, pampered, kept permanently turned on. A happy man means a happy home. And happy homes make a happy world. Do you want an unhappy world on your conscience?

It is clear thus that where there is unhappiness anywhere in the world, a woman has not done her job. And where there is joy, peace and laughter, a good woman is toiling away, cleaning, cooking, and loyally and unconditionally providing sexual and emotional services. God forbid that you end up being a bad woman. Listen to Stella. Be a good woman. Keep your man.