Saturday, May 11, 2013


*Because I Care series #13

Let me go straight into the heart of the matter: Every strong man needs an enforcer. Whether he is a drug dealer, a pimp, leader of a gang, or a president. Without an enforcer you can be made to look like a weakling in front of your children, your followers, or worse, your lovers. Again, once a strong man has become a strong man, there are certain little things that are beneath him. Like opening his car door. Like attacking, punishing or threatening rivals. So I refuse to begrudge Goodluck Jonathan his friendship with Alhaji Asari Dokubo, who said last week that 'the current insecurity and tension in the country would be child’s play if President Goodluck Jonathan fails to win a second term in 2015', and more recently, that if he was arrested, Nigeria will be ‘history’. 

(I quite like Asari’s beard. Over the past two months I have tried to keep a beard like that in vain. I am simply not hairy enough. And my parents taught me, that when a man is better than you at something, the mature thing to do is to concede with a smile. I concede that Asari has better hair than I have.)

I do not have a problem with Asari beating war drums in Abuja. You do not stop a horse from eating grass or a dog from barking. What I have a problem with is that some people, journalists included, insist on calling him an ex-militant. What is the ‘ex’ about? For almost two years now, you can say I have been an ex-lawyer. Now the smartasses reading this will shake their heads vigorously and say, no, your name is still on the roll of the Supreme Court bla bla bla. But the thing is, I will not return to my wig and gown for any reason, not even if my neighbour's wife slaps me or if I come back to find that my bitter ex-partner has set fire to my personal effects. 

Also, I have an ex-crush on the singer Adele. Even if she leaves that hairy Simon Konecki, gives up her baby for adoption and loses weight, I can't crush on her again. Old things have passed away and I have a new crush. Another example: Wikipedia describes the OPC as a ‘militant Yoruba nationalist organization’.  So, Kayode Ogundamisi who was its former Secretary General and left the OPC many years ago may be called an ex-militant. You will not hear him invoking the name of the OPC no matter how angry he is with the Federal Government and trust me, he is very often, very angry with the government. He is now peacefully running NGO’s in London. Good man. 

Thus, as far as I am concerned, the only acceptable job description of the hairy man (who also recently announced his new citizenship of Benin Republic) is this: Asari Dokubo is a militant currently on sabbatical with the Federal Government.

I am however worried about Asari’s lack of flexibility. He is limiting his options by insisting on Jonathan alone. I really want to work with him when I get to power. All I want is for him to amend his statement to read:
“I want to go on to say that, there will be no peace, not only in the Niger Delta, but everywhere if Goodluck Jonathan, or the younger, cooler Elnathan John, is not president, by 2015.”

This suggestion is for Asari’s own good. I will hate to see him without a job, come 2015 when I take over from his current boss.
This week I read of the new National Civil Aviation Policy 2013 which says inter alia, that “for private aircraft owned or leased by individuals, only the family members of the owner/lessee of the aircraft will be permitted on board as passengers.” Since then, I have been calling my relatives to establish if there is blood tie between our family and any of the cool, billionaire, jet-owning Nigerians. Sadly, there is no billionaire in my family and neither have the women in my family had the good sense to marry some. The closest I hear we have to a big man is Senator Isaiah Balat, who is somehow related to my mum. And he neither knows me personally nor owns a private jet. I seriously worry about the financial and social status of my entire extended family. 

I have a few questions though. How is ‘family member’ defined? Does this include lovers? Because I am sure there must be nice female private-jet owners I can befriend. 

Ps. Why is it so easy to kill our police officers in large numbers? This week, Ombatse traditionalists in Nassarawa State killed and burnt between 23 and 95 police officers, depending on who you ask. Just like that. More worrying is the report I read containing the claim by an Ombatse traditionalist that they used just knives and cutlasses. Not guns.

Ps. 2. So, I woke up on Friday to find that, (whether due to a virus on her phone, touch screen error, mistaken identity or simply a long night out with the wrong kind of friends and drinks) Rita Dominic of Nollywood started following me on Twitter. At the time of publication, the lovely Nollywood star had not yet realized her error. I have thought deeply about the larger implications of this and the consequences thereof:
  1. Since I follow her too, I can send her a Direct Message. This can lead to chats, phone calls, a meeting and even drinks.
  2. The probability of playing a role in a Nigerian movie before I become president, albeit waka-pass-ish, is now higher. This will make me like Ronald Reagan. God is good.


  1. Cracking up here!!! Lmao!!
    PS I will certainly give you my vote!

  2. Brilliant, Dokubo will condemn his kinsman when you have him on Uя payroll, trust me you don't need him.

  3. Lmaooo. I think you'll need a first lady though and this is not because I'm single & pretty & smart or because i think you're smart too or even because of the man-boobs which I'll have to get used to. I just think you'll need 1 & I promise you won't have to worry about my English. Maybe my weight but definitely not my English. I would never dare embarrass you on national tv or declare my resurrection or anything of the sort.

    Hopeful 1st Lady to be :D

    1. Toin,
      You are so sweet! :)

    2. Oga I will be contributing atleast 5cows to your campaign savings after all you will need meat in either outcome of the Elections.
      (I am not trying to make the cattle breaders your major sponsors just a gesture which I expect you to reciprocate by inviting me when your gonna have a drink with Rita I won't bring nono I promise)

  4. LOOOOL.....wat kind of an article is ds? I LOVE IT!! Elt J, wre av u been all my social media life?

  5. my brother, the problem in that country is too much.

  6. Congrats first on ur nomination....just stumbled on ur blog. Lovin it already.
    PS: Do not go for the presidency ASO ROCK has a way of changing people. We love u the way u are...

  7. nice write up. i stumbled on this anyway.
    however, dear elnat, please consider me for 2015, we jusst might have one or two things to do together.

  8. nice write up. i stumbled on this anyway.
    however, dear elnat, please consider me for 2015, we jusst might have one or two things to do together.


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?