Monday, June 5, 2017


Dearest Buhari,

First off I am so glad you survived the London bridge attacks. I saw on Facebook that you were safe and all. What would I have done without you? God will not allow any terrorist to find you in your London home darling. 

Anyway, so after your people at the embassy declared that you were rapidly improving I decided to mop and clean the other room and change the sheets and all. I am also airing the room just in case you decide to suddenly fly back once your deputy starts getting too popular. I want you to come back to a clean fresh house. 

So one of our workers Nodee, the one who says he has like 100 degrees, was caught on tape bribing a judge. Now the bribe aside, there are things I admire about Nodee. I like how he acquires degrees. I wish I had the confidence to do that. If he spends the night in a city that has a university and he strolls onto the campus in the evening to enjoy the academic breeze, he updates his CV to say he is a graduate of that institution. In a way he might be right. If he spent one week at Harvard and paid for his own ticket and accommodation, and ended up learning something there, he should be able to add that to his CV. Recently I spend two days at Yale University and I am working up the courage to add “Yale lecturer” to my CV. If Nodee can do it, I think I can. He has been working hard. Only recently he gathered some thieves to talk about how to end theft, which is smart because who else is best suited to end theft but thieves themselves. Just like how in some local communities, the local thugs and criminals are hired to protect the community. That way, instead of harassing and robbing people they are gainfully employed to protect the people. Makes sense. Or like in some movies where the thief who outsmarts the FBI ends up being recruited by the FBI.  

So our Senate has proposed an increase in the price of fuel. I know we promised everyone something different, change and all, but I am certain there are many advantages to increasing the cost of fuel even now that we are still in a recession. I will list just a few. 

1 It will reduce pollution: Think of how many cars are on the road. Everyone wants to drive. With expensive fuel, people will begin to explore other alternatives, like car pooling, cycling, walking or just sitting at home. With fewer cars come less pollution and now that Trump has pulled out of the Paris climate deal, it is up to smaller countries like Nigeria to help keep our planet safe. Increasing the fuel price will achieve this quickly. 
2 It will create a healthier population: Think of all the people that will buy bicycles and those who, instead of driving their Range Rovers to the neighborhood supermarket will walk there. The general weight of the population will decrease which will in turn lead to fewer health problems usually associated with sedentariness and weight gain. And a healthy population is a happy population. 
3 It will create happier united families. Think of it this way: if fuel becomes very expensive, men may reconsider driving their mistresses around or even visiting them so often. And we all know that once you begin to neglect your mistress, that is the beginning of the end of the affair. And once the mistress gets angry and moves on, it saves the marriage. People will have to prioritize — the wife and children or the mistress. I know that some foolish men will end up choosing the mistress but those are the ones that nothing can save. But think of the few who will choose the wife. Think of those families that a fuel increase will save.
4 It will reduce road accidents: Naturally, it follows that with fewer cars we will have fewer accidents and fewer incidents of road rage. People will get to where they are going much faster and people will start turning up for events quicker. This might mark a cultural shift where people abandon Nigerian time as there will no longer be traffic to blame. Fewer accidents mean fewer deaths and a generally happier healthier population. 
5 It will draw people closer to God: When fuel becomes expensive, God stands to gain. Here’s why. People will drive to church or Juma'at mosque. With super expensive fuel, you will not even be tempted to doze off in church or rush back home from the mosque. You will think of how much it cost you to get there and no one will tell you to cherish that time. People will spend more time in the houses of God because it would be a terrible waste not to. When they do this it will lead to a general appreciation for godly things and for the messages of salvation, whether Christian or Muslim. And nothing is better than a godly population. Fewer crimes, fewer people committing fornication and adultery, fewer STIs, fewer unwanted pregnancies and broken homes.

So you see, we really need this fuel hike and I am glad that this is happening while you are in charge of the house. That way we can claim the glory for finally fixing this nation with one master stroke. 

Please keep taking your drugs darling. I will be here waiting for you, whenever you decide to come back. 

Yours always, 



You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?