Sunday, December 4, 2016

AN ANIMAL FARM CONVERSATION


Aide 1: Good morning sir. I hope you slept well sir. 
Mr President: I did. Just the pain in my side. But I will be fine. If Nigeria doesn't kill me, nothing will kill me. 
Aide 2: You are fine daddy. You are perfect. You are holy. 
Mr President: Thank you. Give me the run down for today.
Aide 1: Well sir, the old man has decided to come home…
Aide 2: He finally did it sir.
Mr President: Look I know I can do no wrong and all, but I am not a magician. I cannot read your minds. Who do yo mean by old man. 
Aide 1: Oh sorry daddy. I mean Sole Woyinka sir. With the plenty white hair. 
Mr. President: Ah Sole! The white hair is not even that plenty. The man has aged. The hair is thinning out. But that is good. Is he visiting us?
Aide 2: Sir, we meant he is coming back to live here permanently. 
Mr President: What? Like forever? Whatever happened to Amer…
Aide 1: Sir he swore to destroy his green card if the orange man won the elections there. 
Aide 2: And the people online made fun of him daring him to do it sir. 
Mr President: Like on a school playground?
Aide 1: Yes sir, just like the people who, bored of two people staring at each other and not fighting, slap both people and say: whoever feels the pain most should retaliate. 
Mr President: Wonderful. So they made him tear the green card?
Aide 2: Yes sir. And he is relocating. 
Mr President: You are sure he is not going to England? It will be terrible to have him here. You know how he doesn't mind his business. 
Aide 1: Unfortunately sir, he is coming here.
Mr President: This is why I said we should increase the data tariffs. It is because these people can afford to spend all day on Facingbook and Tweeter.
Aide 2: Facebook and Twitter sir. 
Mr President: Whatever. 
Aide 2: Sorry sir. 
Mr President: So why did we not increase it again?
Aide 1: NCC backed down after people protested online sir.
Mr President: So, we can’t increase the cost of data to stop people from protesting because they will protest. 
Aide 2: Something like that sir. 
Mr President: Where are we with the rice harvest? Still expecting a bumper harvest like Audu said ko?
Aide 1: Errrm, not really sir.
Mr President: What is not really?
Aide 2: Sir they have predicted a famine.
Mr President: How did we go from bumper harvest to famine? What will we tell Nigerians?
Aide 1: It is ok sir, we will just blame the previous government. 
Aide 2: And worst case scenario, they will blame the Minister, not you. You did not make the promise. 
Mr President. You have a point. And where are we with the dollar. How much today?
Aide 1: Depends on which rate sir.
Mr President: How many rates are there?
Aide 2: A few sir. Interbank. CBN. Special rates. Your rates.
Aide 1: But the Naira is still not doing good.
Mr President: What is the CBN governor doing? What do I tell Nigerians?
Aide 1: Nothing sir. They already blame the governor. They don't like him. 
Aide 2: They are even calling for his sack. So you are fine sir. No one is blaming you.
Mr President: That’s good. What of 2019? Any more rascals making noise?
Aide 1: Your short friend with the burnt lips appears to have backed down for now. No public moves. He is facing being Governor. 
Mr President: Is he still fighting with that man fighting baldness?
Aide 1: Yes sir. They even attacked his office.
Mr President: Who did?
Aide 1: Well we suspect him but we will find out. He has some insane people working for him. Like that Ub...
Mr President: Who else? And don't tell me about that Senate President. I still have plans for him.
Aide 2: Except the former VP sir. But we are trying to get his file sir. 
Mr President: Ok. I will deal with that tomorrow. I will call Mugu. Where are we traveling to next? 
Aide 1: I’ll check the schedule sir. 
Aide 2. It is time for our first appointment sir. 
Mr President: Ok. Brief me on the way. (Winces in pain)
Aide 2: Are you ok sir?
Aide 1: Is it your condition acting up again sir?
Mr President: Which condition? It is you that has condition not me.
Aide 1: I am sorry sir.
Mr President: Sorry for yourself. 
Aide 2: You are fine daddy. You are perfect. You are holy...

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