Sunday, September 25, 2016


“Imagine a world where everyone is free to say what they want. Where animals can just wake up and tell other animals in their social circles what they want. Where animals can spread rumours about holy farm hands or god forbid, about our righteous and beloved White. Would that be complete chaos?”

A turkey called Tolo-Tolo who once fought for the right of animals to speak under the cow Goodhead was speaking at a convention of Whitist worshippers. As Tolo-Tolo spoke, the Whitist worshippers cheered and rained insults on all the animals who felt it was their right to speak out against White. Animals had a way of being ungrateful. They wanted change on the farm. They wanted Goodhead out. And now they were daring to complain about the farm. 

The farm hands in the various animal quarters were busy. The leaders of the animals quarters were tightening their grip on the public space. They were tying up animals that insulted them. In the canine quarters where White was born, the leader, Mai Tsami, an old wolf whose face looked like a lemon that was going bad was busy typing up a bunch of young bull dogs for asking why he distributed coffins to animals on the canine farm. Mai Tsami got his dogs to chase down the bull dogs and drag them to him where they were accused with causing disaffection among canines and inciting the animal public against Mai Tsami. And Mai Tsami was right. Once you let animals speak freely, then the whole farm will turn into one chaotic convention of free speech. 

Elsewhere, White had detained and harassed a parrot who had been telling stories about the wild dogs in the north of the farm. The parrot Sal Qaeda, had flown out of the farm for fear of his life and was lured back by farm hands of White, particularly the genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai. As Sal Qaeda flew back, they told him to tell everyone he was being treated like a king when in fact they were sticking broom sticks in his anus. He thought that when he helped them, they would let him go the way the farm management had always let him go even during the days of Goodhead. But then the problem with parrots is that once you let them go, they start to tell stories. And so Sal Qaeda began to cry out and say that his life was in danger. Dick-Tai laughed a deep genocidal laugh when Sal Qaeda began screaming. “Look at what I did to the bats,” he said to his friends, “You think if I wanted to make Sal Qaeda disappear I would not have already done it? Does he know how many bats I made disappear?” 

Meanwhile, hunger spread throughout the farm and the farm management was considering selling off some of the yam barns and plots of land so that it could raise money to buy food for the many starving animals. The animal in charge of the farms resources was a goat called Felefele who used to live large under Goodhead but who secretly supported White as he became farm manager. Many animals could not understand why White would not let Felefele go especially with the way he was managing the farms resources. But White was wise and patient and loving and kind. And White could do no wrong. 

White was preparing to bring back an old rule he used when he was a young violent wolf and he made his farm hands prepare to make animals join queues and stand in straight lines. “I hate crooked lines,” White said, “it makes me dizzy.”

“Look at all the great farms. They all stand in orderly queues. This surely is the secret to a successful farm: standing in straight lines. Straight lines make us see clearly, which in turn makes us think clearly.”

Animals were going to be flogged with canes if they did not follow the orders of White’s farm hands who were going to be recruited to preserve order. 

“And you know when you stand still in a straight line, you don’t feel as hungry as you do when you just do whatever you,” White said, assuring hungry animals that this was going to solve the food crisis. 

The farm was blessed to have White as a visionary leader who could reach into his past and bring back something that worked without even charging the animals anything. All free. It would take an animal who was wise to see how much foresight White had.

And Goodhead’s wife was angry that White had confiscated her yams, saying that as a female cow, males always gave gifts to her. 

And the leader of the crocodiles continued positioning himself to replace White. 

And the animals got more and more hungry.

And farm hands prepared to bring back the queues and straight lines. 

And animals kept getting tied up by farm leaders for talking about them in their social circles. 

And worshippers of White became more and more excited, singing: Rejuvenation begins with me.

And the Whitist priests chanted and prayed:

In the name of the White father
And of the farm hands
And of the holy Whitists…

Bless us White for we have sinned
Bless our thoughts
Bless our desires
Bless our intentions

Blessed be thy name
Thy will be done in every quarter among every animal species
Teach us to love your will
Teach us to be teachable
Teach us to trust your will even when your will may not be clear
Teach us to defend your will before it becomes your will
For thine are the decisions, the thoughts and the glory
For as long as you choose to be farm leader



  1. Oh my God!!!, It's apparent to the blind that 'white is indeed the wisest' queues for hunger is better called disciplined suicide. Anyways, better to die on a straight queue than a crooked one. On a final note, I would say better satire than being locked up

  2. What a way to tell the Nigerian Story. This is sooo funny!!!

  3. This man too dey intelligent,
    Mr White himself, will read this and laugh about it,
    without knowing that he is the our protagonist


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?