Sunday, June 26, 2016


The wealthiest animal in all of White’s animal farm was a chameleon called Dangod who, through friendships with every single farm manager, managed to have special rules which saw him increase in wealth as the years went by. Dangod changed color so that he resembled every animal that was in power. He supported them and knew never to openly challenge any farm manager or show partisan support. If two animals were vying to become leaders of their quarters, he supported them both. Dangod was friends with Goodhead as well as White; friends of Goodhead as well as Whitists priests. He was the color of everyone without allowing anyone’s color rub off on him. And by so doing quietly became praised as the wealthiest animal who employed the highest number of animals. 

As soon as a crisis hit the farm and White let go of his stubborn insistence on keeping the cost of grains on his farm artificially low, Dangod lost a lot of his wealth. Still, animals praised Dangod every chance they could as a hard working animal who helped many animals get food and gainful employment. It didn’t matter that if more animals had the kind of access Dangod had, the farm might have produced far more super wealthy animals like Dangod. But no animal could say this because Dangod was friends with everyone while being attached to no one. 

Secretly every farm manager who ever governed the farm made pilgrimages to Dangod and worshipped him. But since White was too much of an animal god himself, he sent his docile deputy Sinbad to perform the secret acts of worship on his behalf. Sinbad bowed down and kissed Dangod, visited his playgrounds and declared them holy sites of worship, and apologised to him for all that he had lost. And Dangod was happy that this farm management like those before them knew that he was god. 

The crisis that hit the farm also exposed other animals who pretended to be wealthy. One animal, a kangaroo called Hen Hurry (because of how much he was in a hurry to speak in matters that didn’t concern him), was rumoured to have a business empire which included a pageant for peacocks and a hilltop for viewing the sun while eating the most expensive sweetened grains. Not a day went by when he did not say something mean about White and about how White had no common sense. He put his businesses forward as sterling examples of his capacity to lead with nothing more than common sense. One day, a committee on the farm in charge of collecting debts uncovered that his fortune was based on a lie, a debt he had collected and never repaid. The committee concluded that if he had any common sense at all he would have run businesses that turned profit enough to at least start repaying his debts. They took over his properties and took control of the hill where he used to sell expensive sweetened grains. The committee declared that no animal should have to pay so much for grains while being entertained. And they began giving away his sweetened grains for free. 

Somewhere in the West of the farm, an obnoxious species leader, a wild rabid dog called Fayourshit was barking wildly and saying vile things about White. He did this, beating his chest, reminding animals that there were rules preventing White from arresting or harming any species leader while such leader was in power. Fayourshit bragged that no creature born of an animal could touch him. So White asked one of his farm hands to confiscate a warehouse where Fayourshit had stashed goods he had stolen. When this happened Fayourshit went wild and began roll in the dust to protest what had been done to him. But all the animals, fed up with his wild barking and calisthenics paid him no heed. And they walked past as he swore that it was illegal to confiscate his property. 

White’s genocidal farm hand Dick-Tai, in spite of all of his brutality was a great saver of resources. He knew how to make five loaves of bread and two fishes feed five thousand animals and still have remnants. It was through this saving power that he was able to purchase expensive property on a fancy farm far away. And haters of Dick-Tai began to scream about him owning property in foreign farms, about him stealing when he worked for Goodhead, but White knew that Dick-Tai was only a great saver. Yes he was genocidal, but genocide was needed to keep animals loyal on the farm. But he was no thief. 

“You should ask Dick-Tai to teach you how to save instead of calling him a thief,” White told the animals who complained. 

While all of this was going on, far away in the farm where White’s favourite veterinarian lived, there was chaos. Long ago, before White or White’s parents were born, this farm had invaded a quarter of all the farms that existed. They enslaved animals and forced them to act and speak like them. They massacred animals on many farms and set fire to some. But slowly their power waned and they did not have the resources to keep simultaneously destroying a quarter of all the farms. So, they slowly left farm after farm, without fixing any of the things they had destroyed. Consequently, some of the animals from the farms they had destroyed migrated to their now wealthy, powerful farm. Over the years they became animals from farms all over the animal world - farms they had destroyed and others - were now invading their farm to work and live and adopt it as their new home. And because the animals that came from other places worked cheaply, the animals originally from the farm became lazy and refused to do any jobs like cleaning or serving or transporting animals from one places to the other. Suddenly, now, they panicked and claimed that they had too many foreign animals on their farm and needed to kick them all out, forgetting that they once, without invitation, invaded a quarter of all farms. 

And White continued to manage his health, having just returned from the veterinarian.

And Fayourshit continued to complain about his seized stolen property. 

And White’s genocidal farm hand continued to harass animals in the east of the farm.

And the souls of the bats massacred by the genocidal Dick-Tai cried out for justice. 

And associates of White continued to watch him closely preparing for any eventuality and positioning themselves to take over. 

And farm hands of White began to steal grains recovered from animals who had once stolen grains. 

And Whitists continued to worship White, day and night, praying at intervals:

“Oh White teach us how to save and multiply our resources like your farm hand Dick-Tai.”


  1. This has to be my favorite post of yours. So funny...and accurate!

  2. If one has not been following happenings in Nigeria and the world in recent times, this article beautifully summarises it. News, constructive criticism and humour all in one. Great job, Elnathan.

    P.s: You may want to do some editing again, there are some mistakes. (Would have sent a DM on Twitter, but you don't follow me!)

  3. If one has not been following happenings in Nigeria and the world in recent times, this article beautifully summarises it. News, constructive criticism and humour all in one. Great job, Elnathan.

    P.s: You may want to do some editing again, there are some mistakes. (Would have sent a DM on Twitter, but you don't follow me!)

  4. Genius! Told them it's hard to misunderstand @elnathanjohn

  5. ElNathan, you're damn too good at what you do. Bravo!


You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?