Saturday, May 16, 2015

THE BURDEN OF DARK SKIN

Comrade Adams Oshiomole, governor of Edo State, just remarried, five years after losing his first wife to cancer. His new bride is Lara Fortez a young, light skinned woman, from Cape Verde. Expectedly, Nigerians have formed committees to debate the motives behind this union. And I am very unhappy. I will tell you why. 

First off is that everyone seems to be implying that Adams Oshiomole does not deserve a beautiful wife. This is where, as a dark skinned person, it worries me deeply. The world we live in is rigged against dark skinned people.  Dark skinned people must work twice as hard as light skinned people in Nigeria to prove either their worth or their innocence. 

When was the last time you saw a very light-skinned Nigerian criminal? All the armed robbers that are paraded by the Nigerian police are usually dark skinned. Yes the SSS paraded the light-skinned Kabiru Sokoto, but they did him the courtesy of buying him a brand new t-shirt after they caught him hiding. When they paraded him before journalists, his face showed no signs of being tortured. So also the light-skinned alleged mastermind of the Nyanya bombing, Aminu Ogwuche. No swollen face or beating. Just stress from the long flight after being arrested. And the dark skinned law enforcement officers looked sorry about it. If either Kabiru Sokoto or Aminu Ogwuche were dark skinned, they would have been shirtless and sitting on the floor with a split lip or swollen eye. That is why I always advice dark-skinned people to avoid crime. Because they will be the first to be caught. And when they get caught, no one will feel bad about giving them a thorough, visible beating.

So, now, in the minds of Nigerians, because Oshiomole is dark-skinned, he must have seduced Ms Fortez with his wealth? Why is he considered so ugly? Is it his nose? Oshiomole has a much smaller and better nose than former Cross River Governor, Donald Duke but the latter is always considered good looking because he is light-skinned. (And you will agree with me that a good nose is crucial to a good face.) If Donald Duke had married Lara Fortez, Nigerians would have been drooling, calling them “lovely couple” and praying to all the deities in Nigeria to give them happiness and children as beautiful as they are.  A dark-skinned person in Nigeria is ugly until proven otherwise. 

There are many reasons why Lara could have fallen in love with Adams. First, I am told by a reliable source that he knows how to “treat a lady”. I do not know what that means exactly and as a child of God, I will not ask for details. But it is good enough that people say that about him. Also, Adams has very visible eyes. Eyes are not my thing, but I know for a fact that some people are deep into eyes. For those people, once a person’s eyes are on point, they fall in love. Lara might just be one of those people. And if she is, good for her!

Lara might also be a sapiosexual. Someone who is attracted to intelligence. Have you listened to Adams give a speech? The man is an orator. For sapiosexuals, intelligence is the most sexually attractive feature and Lara might have sat down one day at a dinner and listened to Adams relate how he governs Edo State and makes sure he pays workers salaries on time and thought, oh my God, I love this man! If so, Lara is a sensible woman who knows the important things in life. She will go very far. 

Lara may have fallen in love with dress sense. By that I mean his brown shirts. You see, not many people can wear those brown khaki shirts continuously and still look attractive. She may have admired that as a sign of consistency and dedication. He has been wearing those brown shirts for decades now. As a committed comrade, she knows that he will bring that sense of commitment to the marriage. Sometimes all you need is consistency. See where consistency got General Buhari? You can never go wrong with consistency. 

I once saw a CNN article that listed Nigeria as one of the countries with the sexiest accents in the world. Granted, CNN can’t even locate Nigeria on a map, but there must be some truth in that. Maybe Lara heard Adams' accent and thought, oh my God, listen to that strong, loud, sexy Nigerian accent. I know, because the same thing happens to me with Irish accents. I remember once taking a tour of the Berlin wall and getting lost because I was following a bunch of Irish tourists who were speaking loudly. Thank God for Google maps that helped me find my way back. Europe is not a place for a dark-skinned person to be lost.

My point is, there are a million reasons why Lara would fall in love with Adams. It is hypocritical of Nigerians who only recently, chose a light-skinned presidential candidate over a dark-skinned one to be pointing fingers at Adams for going after a light-skinned woman.

Ps. As I pray for God to bless my dark-skinned hustle, I am looking for my own light-skinned woman who can love me for who I am. Or at least for my fabulous t-shirts, my height or my solid, dark eyes. Because money, I don’t have. In the words of my friend Chioma: I am still a struggling writer. 

But if I find her, I promise to treat her right. 

23 comments:

  1. Hahahaha! My brother you are very funny. You also make a lot of sense. If I ever need a lawyer (God forbid) I must look you up. Let's hope this lady doesn't finish off the dear governor.

    PS- I thought she was an Ethiopian lady?

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  2. Nice article... I can totally relate not to Osho bobo but to you... My light skinned igbo friend tells me that I am a black man... :D imagine being called black by black people not even bro or fam... Anyways sha God will bless our hustle..

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  3. Talking bout darkskin struggles... you a darkskinnes man an advocate of our dark skins hopes for a light skinned woman cs shes d height of achievement to show d world theres more to ur darkskin. we dont even have solidarity. Oh well...

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  4. "Sapiosexual." See, just knowing there's a name for it is rather scintillating!

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  5. Lol...so why do you want a fair wife? I will certainly not feel sorry for an armed robber because he is fair. Sadly, police treat people based on their social class not skin colour. What made the wedding so sensational is the fact that he is so old and that if he was so sexually intelligent and fashionable with a meagre income he may not get a young woman. People compared her to other women that married much older men not necessarily black men so that was the issue.

    As far as I know there are 3 complexions in Nigeria, yellow (also called fair), normal (the no name complexion) and black. I wouldn't consider Donald Duke or Buhari as fair at all. They are just normal. A lot of people are I think and for those that are always outside and don't use sunscreen their skin gets damaged, ages quickly and produces more melanin. Its not like they follow dark skinned people around in shops or anything like that. In Nigeria people size you up based on your social class. If you are dark and look like aje butter (especially as a man) you will get better treatment than someone that is fair and has rough skin and hard lines because of suffering. As for the nose issue I believe that is imagined based on European standard of beauty but you can have a small nose and still be considered ugly! Being fair is considered beautiful but doesn't it end at that? Do men get passed over for jobs or relationships because of dark skin?

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    Replies
    1. "Satire is hard. *sighs*" - Elnathan

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    2. Satire is not the same as a joke. Even if the tone is humorous it is still an attempt to criticise what happens in the society. This is my first time on this blog so I didn't know it was just for laughs, sorry for the epistle!

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  6. Enjoyed the trolling on twitter that day.. This is like all the trolling put in one piece enjoyed it more.

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  7. Dear Elnathan,

    Look no more! You have found your light-skinned woman!
    First, I will have you know that I am yellower than the shirt am wearing today, and believe it or not, it's a very bright yellow shirt :)
    Also, I am a lagophile, I read your blog quite often, and you got me at "My Penis Makes Everything Ok"...
    And I happen to not believe in marriage either, so just let me know when I can move in with you...just give me enough time to say my farewell to family and friends as I live in East Africa (and you know how good looking those East African girls are *wink*...if you don't believe me ask Drake)
    ...oh, and last I really don't care that you have no money, I kinda have my own (kinda because I don't have a lot of it, but enough to not depend on you...and we can always call my parents when the going gets tough)

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Ok. Great! Where do I apply?

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    2. No need to apply, you have already been selected!
      Just let me know when you're ready for me to pack my bags, and head towards you, your beautiful and funny words...and of course your wonderful dark skin :)

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  8. Well, at least I tried...*sigh*...

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    Replies
    1. Come on. Reveal yourself and stop sulking.

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  9. You just rejected me, and I thought my light skin had finally worked in my favor and landed me my favorite author. Oh well! I will keep stalking you and making movies in my head about how I almost moved to Nigeria to be with you.
    Online Hugs :)

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  11. I've read so much about you, Elnathan John, but have never visited your blog until now. I love your write-up. I wouldn't mind being like you, my Southern Kaduna brother, when I grow up. And I'm serious about it! Keep it up, sir.

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?