THE BEST MOMENTS OF 2014

Nigerians love to complain. If it rains, they want it to stop. If the sun comes out, they say it is too hot. You are poor they will insult you. You are rich, they will call you a thief. In fact I blame Nigerians for my spiritual condition. When you chase women they say you are womanizing, when you don’t they wonder if all is well down there or if you are gay. Anyone who tries to please Nigerians is sure to end up free falling in the dark abyss of ingratitude. 

This week I will break the year-long cycle of complaining by sharing ten of the best political moments of 2014 – moments which should make us proud of our country, our president, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and his darling, stylish wife.

1.    January:

Our president and legislature got their priorities right and signed the anti-gay bill into law as the first piece of legislation of the year. Of course there was the Health bill and the Petroleum Industry bill, but none of them were half as important as criminalizing consensual same sex affection. You know how gay people make our roads bad and make it impossible for us to have good hospitals or electricity. It is pathetic. I had hoped that with the Same Sex Marriage (Prohibition) Act of 2014, the problems of the economy, corruption, poverty, power and infrastructure would finally be a thing of the past. Normally this would be the case but I am not sure what has happened 12 months after. Nigeria works in mysterious ways.

2.    February:

One of my favorite moments was when the President finally brought stability to the country by suspending the man who had declared that there were billions of dollars missing from the proceeds of oil sales. I mean, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi had it coming. You can’t be insulting the president and be buying bow-ties with his money at the same time. Either you keep quiet or give up the bow ties. Plus really, bow-ties?  A bow tie is fine for a bartender or a person at a formal dinner. Every other time it just looks pretentious and awkward. Especially on a person his size. Anyway, that suspension made two things disappear: the rumours of the disappearance of billions of dollars and his bow ties – and especially now as Emir, it is unlikely that he will ever wear a bow tie again. It is also unlikely that we will ever know what happened to those billions of dollars. However let’s at least be happy about those hideous bow-ties.

Also in February, presidential aide Reno Omokri was discovered to have multiple personality disorder. He authored a document under the name “Wendell Simlin” attempting to link Sanusi with the militant Islamist group Boko Haram and at least one murder in Kano. Gladly, well meaning Nigerians discovered his name in the document properties and started raising awareness about his condition. I don’t know if Reno Omokri has received treatment for this ailment. But as they say, diagnosis is already fifty percent of treatment.

3.    March:

Goodluck Jonathan declared open the National Conference which had newly pardoned ex-convict Chief DSP Alamieyeseigha, a man who went through a traumatizing phase of not being sure if he liked men or women’s clothes. Through an uncommon and brave act of forgiveness President Jonathan gave the Governor-General of the Ijaw nation his groove back. The man went on to represent his home state at the conference. I am sure great things were achieved at the conference only I am not sure what. Sometimes the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. And god says we should not judge. In fact, if all the conference did was provide Chief DSP Alamieyeseigha with 12 million naira for his post-pardon rehabilitation, that is something worth celebrating. How many countries have such a robust program of rehabilitating convicts?

4.    April:

Goodluck Jonathan dealt a huge blow to Boko Haram by going to Kano and dancing publicly right after a bomb killed over a hundred persons in the Federal Capital Territory. The idea of terror is to make you afraid and unhappy. But Jonathan showed them that it is never a bad time to dance. Plus we all know how Boko Haram hates music and dancing. That must have really hurt them. Kai. But Goodluck knows how to really get those people sha. You can’t learn these things. He was born that way.

5.    May:

Our first lady, Mama Peace, aka Dame Patience Jonathan summoned a meeting of people from Chibok who had attended a meeting of the Bing Back Our Girls Campaign. And she broke down and cried into a white handkerchief. On camera. Before the whole world. I don’t know of any public official who has shown as much emotion about the kidnap of the Chibok school girls. Crying is the ultimate symbol of mourning, but crying, tears or no tears, into a white handkerchief says: I mourn, but as a believer I have hope, I see the light, I see better times ahead. Sometimes we take Mama Peace for granted. Empathy is not about speaking good English. Empathy sometimes means crying in public into a white handkerchief.

6.    June:

The good people of Ekiti State participated in a free and fair election. Even though rice bearing both PDP and APC logos flooded the state prior to the elections, the people did not allow this to confuse them. In the end, after cooking Fayose’s rice and Fayemi’s rice they came to the wise conclusion that only a consumer can come to: that Fayose’s rice was more nutritious. And they voted out their popular incumbent governor Kayode Fayemi.

Also, despite being probed, Stella “armoured cars” Oduah was in Ogbaru in Anambra to receive the title of Ada Eze Chukwu conferred by the traditional rulers from Anambra North. It is not easy to go from being probed to being crowned.

7.    July:

Goodluck Jonathan launched his first international article in the Washington Post. It was mostly about silence. He wrote: “My silence as we work to accomplish the task at hand is being misused by partisan critics to suggest inaction or even weakness. My silence has been necessary to avoid compromising the details of our investigation.” Silence is a great subject. You remember how we used to say “silence is the best answer for a fool” in primary school? It is not a lie.

Goodluck Jonathan also hung out with Malala in Abuja. When the 17 year old rights activist got on a plane I heard he ironed those his overalls with spray starch and practiced his speech. (See how Goodluck touches people: Malala became one of the lucky recipients of the 2014 the Nobel Peace Prize. Sometimes all you need in life is good luck.)

8.    August:

At the height of the Ebola scare, Jonathan fired the 16,000 resident doctors who were on strike trying to push for better wages and work conditions. Sometimes when you are fighting an external battle it might be best to get rid of internal enemies first. That is why during every war an army kills or jails people for treason or mutiny. You cannot fight well when your home is in disarray. The doctors should be happy that they were just sacked. Because if they were soldiers in an army they would have been shot for downing their tools. In the end, thanks to Jonathan, we were able to fight Ebola. Even Buhari can’t deny Jonathan the glory for ending Ebola.

9.    September:

Dozens of South Africans who were in Nigeria to seek miracle healing and breakthroughs at the synagogue of world famous Nigerian Pastor T. B. Joshua in Lagos became, “martyrs of the kingdom of [T.B. Joshua’s] god.” I am not sure of the full implications of this, but if T. B. Joshua is right, it means his god has arranged their spots in heaven. (I don't mean to mess with the suspense of this story, but as at December, the coroner and government seem to agree with T. B. Joshua that some UFO came from nowhere and made his church collapse. They even stopped calling him to the inquiries of his own church building collapse. I swear his god works in mysterious ways.)

10. October:

In his Independence Day speech, Goodluck Jonathan asked “all those waging war against our country” to “lay down their arms and embrace peace”. So nice our president. Sometimes when a person is blowing your citizens to smithereens every week and kidnaping dozens of women, girls and boys at will, you need to ask them nicely to please stop. Sometimes all they need is that soft voice of reason that says: Haba bros, it’s not good what you are doing. Kai! We have such a cool president.

(Unrelated, but interesting: Not to be outdone by other politicians, singer-turned-politician, Abolore Adegbola Akande, popularly known as 9ice, who was seeking election into the Oyo State House of Representatives representing Ogbomoso North/South/Orire Constituency allegedly handed out bottles of palm-oil & palm-wine to his supporters. Ingenious combination if you ask me.)

11. November:

Governor Babatunde Raji Fashola ignored calls for him to convert to Christianity and become a part of the most formidable political team ever with General Buhari. This is not really a best moment thing, I just wanted to include it. It was an almost best moment. I mean think if Fashola had done it – joined like Pastor Chris’s church (without perming his hair please!). We might have been talking of an APC landslide in Nigeria. Just that brief dream fills me with joy.

12. December:

By the grace of god, President Jonathan discovered Teleprompters and unwittingly started a teleprompter revolution. Now he can give speeches and use both of his long hands to gesticulate.

Jonathan also was declared by Doyin Okupe to be like Jesus Christ. Doyin did not even say like Saint Paul or Peter. He skipped to Jesus direct.

Amen?