THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO TONY RAPU

As your president come 2015, I am also interested in the home front. Recently I stumbled across a popular Lagos pastor tweeting advice to married women and men and have to share it with you. His tweets in quotes are taken directly from his Twitter handle @drtonyrapu. Forgive me if I do a little commentary. It is only because I care. 

“A husband’s greatest need in this world of marriage is to be respected by his wife. #MarriedWomen”

Now, while you carry that phallic mace of leadership as a husband, it is important that you get the respect you deserve. It is a need without which your male member will shrivel up and die. And we all know what happens when the Speaker of the House doesn’t have the mace anymore. It is like being impeached. God forbid that your mace shrivels up and dies.

“When you give to your husband without expectations, then God somehow begins to meet your expectations. #MarriedWomen”

Most important part of this awesome tweet: “without expectations”. A wife should not expect anything in return. Even though as stated above a man SHOULD expect things. Like respect. But only because he is a man. A married man. If you do this God will “somehow”, I don’t know how exactly, bless your marital hustle.

“Look in the mirror & learn to love what you see. A woman who loves her body takes care of it for her husband. Love your body. #MarriedWomen”

Like many things that a man owns, this includes his wife’s body. This is the most important reason why you should take care of your body – although it is your body, it really is for your husband. I suspect that is why in our country there is nothing like marital rape. The wife’s body belongs to the man.

“You have to make forgiveness a habit. In big things and in little things. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. #MarriedWomen”

Yes. How many times did he say forgive? Three times. Like when you find him masturbating to porn in the bathroom. Or when he cheats. Or when he cheats again. Three times.

“Men are not wired like women and your husband doesn’t even know he is being insensitive to your needs. Tell him nicely #MarriedWomen”

Have you ever tried to fix an adapter? There are three cables of different colours. The red, the black and the yellow and green one. Men are like the yellow and green one. Today one colour tomorrow another. So we are allowed to be insensitive. Because we are men. And because the one thing we like more than anything in the world is to be respected, you have to tell us nicely that we are being bad to you. Something about he who holds the mace, holds the power.

“Be very careful about reading romance novels. They give you a false illusion of life. #MarriedWomen”

You don’t want anything that can give you any excitement and distract you from your god-assigned role in life – making your husband happy while not seeking happiness yourself. Too much love in romance novels. Too much regard for women. Too many women who get sexual satisfaction. No one wants that.

“You may not understand why he loves to watch sports or violent movies. You don’t have to understand. Give him his space. #MarriedWomen”

Yes, especially the violent movies. Give him his space while he is learning all the skills required to give you a good beating. But while you do this, you are not allowed to read romance novels. Just make the bed, look for dirty surfaces to clean and cook another pot of soup.

“Make the bed. Thank you. #MarriedWomen”

No creases. No old sheets. No stains. Iron the sheets before you lay them because of insect larvae. Do it like your marriage depended on it. Because, Tony Rapu says it does.

“If you try to control, restrict or cage your husband it will take away that ‘thing’ that makes him a man. He’s a free spirit. #MarriedWomen”

Not sure I need to add much here. While you are bound to him, he is a free spirit. I wish we could have this in all local languages.

“Pet your husband. Massage his shoulders. Give him a manicure. #MarriedWomen”

We are like pets. We also have egos that need massaging. A good married woman knows that the one reason she was put on this earth is to attend to these needs.

“You have to love your husband even when he is unlovable. #MarriedWomen”

You have to. You just have to. The god of Tony Rapu demands it.

“Serve your husband even when it seems he doesn’t appreciate your service. #MarriedWomen”

It is like having a maid. Your maid may not always like cleaning your children’s poop, picking up after you, getting a criminal wage, dealing with your randy husband’s advances and your verbal abuse, but she has to do her job. It is a job she is paid to do, appreciation is not part of the work contract. So also marriage. A married woman serves. Appreciation is not part of the package.  

“Be sensitive to your husband’s physical needs even when you’re tired. You can do all things thro’ Christ who strengthens you. #MarriedWomen”

Your husband has no self-control and cannot exercise restraint. Besides, is this not what Jesus died for – to give you strength to perform whenever your randy husband wants you?

“Protect your husband. There are she-wolves out there. #MarriedWomen”

You have to realise something about men. They are like physically and mentally challenged people. Imagine a mentally challenged paraplegic. That is a summary of what men are. So your husband needs you to stop his male member from finding a she-wolf. He can’t say no or think for himself. It is just the way things are. You are like a soldier whose singular task is to protect a city from foreign invaders like your fellow females. If the invaders breach the city walls, you are to blame.  For those of you women who watch the TV series Game of Thrones, you are like the men of the night's watch who protect the wall and your fellow women are like white walkers and wildlings. Do not abandon your watch!

Here is some of what Tony Rapu had for men:

“Wash the dishes for your wife sometimes. #MarriedMen”

We all know that plates, I mean all plates, belong to the woman. It doesn’t matter if she works too. Clean plates, dirty plates are all hers. It is her job to keep them clean. If you wash the plates you use to eat as a man, it is like giving charity. You are helping her. And you shouldn’t do it too often. Just sometimes. And for this you should be praised. The god of Tony Rapu thinks so.

“Tell your wife “thank you” for all the cooking, washing, cleaning and even making the bed. #MarriedMen”

Awesome. Do you see the double message here? Tony Rapu is a genius. Yes, it means she should do “all the cooking, washing, cleaning and even making the bed.” How else can she expect a thank you if she hasn’t first done these wifely duties? I need to sit down and have a serious conversation with my lover. Because as it is I cook, wash, clean and make the bed. Or perhaps I am one of those mistakes of nature who was originally meant to be a wife? Anyway just do as I say not as I do.

“Your wife has the power to set the direction of your entire life. #MarriedMen”

You see, your wife has all this power. She has this big remote control that can make you do things. Just like Eve who put us all in the mess the world is in. Who knows what channel she will decide to watch? Sometimes, happiness means finding someone you can blame all your problems on.

“Be the man. The #MarriedMan”

I believe this is self-explanatory. Sometimes you are tempted to be the woman and do things like cook, make the bed, cry, clean, let her make some decisions… but don’t! That male member between your legs is not there for decoration. Think of it like the mace in a parliament. Unless the Speaker has the mace he cannot carry out his functions and assert his authority as leader of parliament. So also as long as you carry that phallic blessing between your legs, you are boss. God bless Tony Rapu.

Marriage is good abi?