CONFUSION IN THE CAMP OF THE ENEMY

*Because I Care #26

I am a blessed presidential aspirant. I am convinced about this after what has happened this week. First let me tell you a little Jewish story. 

Jehoshaphat was the King of Judah. Some guys with a large large army taunted him and laid siege to his city. And then miraculously, they woke up one day and found the confused enemies killing one another. Just like that. The only job Jehoshaphat’s guys had to do was plunder the spoil on the dead bodies. End of cool Jewish story.

I am like Jehoshaphat. And the PDP is like those guys with a large large army. I was just sitting in my room complaining about how the PDP convention last week made movement difficult in the city. I did admit that it boosted certain aspects of our local ‘hospitality’ industry, but I found it oppressive that this large party opposing my candidacy made it hard for me to move around in my own town. And what happened? Confusion entered among the camp of my opponents and they started attacking each other. I didn’t even have to do anything. Right there on the convention ground seven Governors walked out with Atiku Abubakar to form a new faction of the PDP. Even Amaechi who has been playing Police and Thief with my soon-to-be predecessor was there in all the confusion. Even the certificate of registration of the largest party (in opposition to progress) in Africa went missing. Vanished into not-so-thin air. God be praised. You do not need T.B. Joshua to tell you I am destined to rule this country. Me, the Nigerian Jehoshaphat on whose behalf confusion is thrown into the enemy’s camp. 

Nigerians, be my Judah, and let me be your Jehoshaphat.

When I become president I know what to do with the many offices of the PDP. I will start a nationwide NGO for men suffering from erectile dysfunction. I hear it is a nationwide problem and I will bring therapists from Egypt, where I hear all the men are as virile as young goats, to man these offices. I think it is the fact that the Arabs don’t drink much. Alcohol does a lot to one’s virility. 

Just one thing though. Farouk Lawan tweeted on Tuesday that “the New PDP is committed to rescuing our dear country from rape and restore political values.” I do not doubt his sincerity. I admire his political autism which makes him unable to feel any shame or other emotion. Anyone who will last long in this corrupt political climate needs political autism. It is just that Farouk Lawan accusing other PDP members of raping Nigeria and destroying political values is like owner of the brothel near my house complaining that her sex workers like men too much. I do not understand it. But then again, I have not yet gotten political autism. I will take classes when I get into power. 

This week my bearded friend Asari Dokubo was in the news. Again. God grant him a life of full hair. He berated Jonathan his ‘poor response’ to the crises in the party of my opponents. While doing this he gave us a crash course in Ijaw sayings. “Ama doko doko biokpo”- “small small towns but they are courageous and keep hope alive.” This is what he reminded Jonathan the Ijaw people are. Small, but mighty. He called the breakaway PDP, “dissidents” and said that Jonathan should stop disgracing the Ijaw people by negotiating with them. What I cannot understand is why an ex-dissident will deny others the opportunity of becoming ex-dissidents and enjoying the type of largesse he is currently enjoying. There is enough oil-money to go round Asari. At least allow them repent. Who knows, Jonathan might just extend amnesty to them and as a senior ex-militant, he will be several ranks above them. Patience. That is all Asari needs. 

So, Obama has finally insisted on going into Syria. As a soon-to-be world leader my advice is that now that he is set to soil his Nobel Peace Prize, he should hand over that prize together with the money he got to Vladimir Putin. The reason is simple. Who is the world leader currently defending the peace and freedoms of the civilized world? Obama is chasing Snowden for telling us things we need to know, for releasing crucial information about the way America runs the world. Obama wants to jail him for telling truth. And who came to Snowden’s rescue? Putin.  Obama wants to throw bombs on Syria and join Assad in killing Syrians. Who is trying to separate the fight and begging for reason or at least proof beyond doubt? You are right again. Putin. I do not need to say more. 

Ps. As president, I think I will ban expatriates from writing their numbers behind their phones and using cello tape to cover it. It makes them look lost and makes our country look bad and dangerous.