AN EMPEROR IN WAITING

I was in Venice when I heard that Kate and William had a baby boy. From one leader-in-waiting to another, I congratulate William. I am not crazy about children but I admire people who can make the sacrifice to have them. I am particularly impressed by how the whole global media decided to park outside Kate’s hospital and wait for the baby to be born. It doesn’t matter that people are dying in Syria and Egypt and Gwoza, and there is starvation all around the world. What we need is positive news, like the news of one baby for days and days on end to remind us that in addition to all the suffering, important English babies are being born. And especially CNN in America. I am glad that America is such a good sport. They forgot all about the war of independence fought so they would not need to swear allegiance to a King or Queen in Britain. They too spent days waiting for this new potential British emperor. 

Only the Nigerian Television Authority (NTA) didn’t join the queue for Mr William’s baby. This needs to change. All the former slaves of Britain were there including America. But no, not NTA. I will make sure that I remove the head of NTA as soon as I make it into Aso Rock in 2015. We cannot afford this kind of embarrassment. I want to apologize to William and Kate for this. I will do something about it when I become president and promise that should they choose, in spite of the hectic affairs of state (running the British Empire isn’t easy),  to find time for one more baby after 2015, I will personally lead the delegation to St Mary’s hospital. Also as soon as I can find their email, I will send them a few messages including pdfs of free e-books about child care, how to get back the pre-pregnancy body (for Kate) and what to do if your baby just won’t sleep at night. I want to know though, will Kate breastfeed the little emperor or is it against the royal rules? I just want to say though, that in Africa once a woman has had a baby, it is not considered offensive for her to breastfeed in public. It is staring at a nursing mother’s breast that is considered rude. So, if Kate feels a need, fired by her maternal instincts, to take out her now royal breasts to feed the new potential emperor, I will support this. I know that many foreign commentators, especially British ones will be up in arms, but my government will back Kate. There is nothing wrong with a white woman breastfeeding in public, just as there is nothing wrong with showing naked African women in the name of documentaries and telling stories. 

So, Dele Momodu in congratulating Kate and William wrote the following on Twitter: “My heartfelt congratulations to the British Royal family on the birth of a new Prince today at St. Mary's Paddington where we had our sons.” I like Dele. I like how he is not ashamed to say things like ‘me too I had my sons in England where Willy and Kate had theirs’. All that remains is for him to give them advice on what to do when the boy has a fever or has teething problems.  I am happy especially because he recently attempted to run for president. And no, it is not a shame for one seeking the highest public office to brag about having his sons in a British public hospital. There is really nothing wrong if he finds it hard to decide if he wants to be the publisher of a lifestyle paparazzi magazine or a serious public figure. We all have things that confuse us- for example I get confused about whether to wear long or ankle length socks in the morning. I will make sure to put some ads in his Ovation magazine to support his hustle.

In support the ongoing debate about the propriety of marrying girls just attaining puberty, I want to add that we need to extend this to include boys. Boys too should become adults as soon as they start growing pubic hair or right after their first wet dream, whichever comes sooner. This is only fair, seeing as our country permits the same for girls. Maybe while doing that we can consider removing the age limit for running for office. A person who is old enough to marry and raise kids should be able to do simple things like make laws. But think of the cute couples we will have if we also allow 13 year old boys to marry. It will be Gandhi all over again. How sweet. 

Ps.  Governor Yari Abubakar of Zamfara decided recently to purchase arms for men of the state’s vigilante groups to improve security in the villages. In arming this new militia does he think of the consequences? Can he not learn from the case of Peter Odili in Rivers and Ali Modu Sheriff in Borno? Does it not occur to Abubakar that once you give arms, you create a new monster?