SEX, SEX, SEX: THE SECRET FILES OF GOVERNORS LI(V)ES

*Because I Care #17

Ok let me just say this. I love sex scandals. I love studying them. And here is what I found. All the great leaders have them. If your leader isn’t having sex, then be scared, because he is doing something unthinkably sinister behind closed doors. All that pent up tension can’t produce anything good. Look at Clinton, arguably one of the best American Presidents in recent history after JFK. He made interns kneel before him. I don’t know what exactly for, but I hear that is something sexual in America. Look at Gandhi, great Gandhi, cohabiting with a girl in the name of marriage at the age of 13. Today, that would be a scandal. Add the likelihood of juvenile sex occurring, and you have a sex scandal. I would have added an example among great Chinese leaders, but it is a notorious fact that the Chinese are secretive about everything. No one can tell if or when a Chinese person is having sex. 

I have been thinking about Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, our able CBN Governor. I cannot help but admire any man who is still virile at 51. I mean, after reading the brilliant exposé on Premium Times one gets the clear impression that CBN is sprawling with Sanusi’s ‘girlfriends and mistresses’. Now unless being a mistress or girlfriend means serving tea, typing memos, or tying bow ties, Sanusi’s alleged shenanigans is a feat of unimaginable proportions. I have read that Premium Times story several times with a pencil and ruler. And I just need to ask Sanusi a few very serious questions. 

Sanusi, the opening paragraph of the story said you, the CBN governor were ‘badly in need of a kiss’, ‘grabbed [your] mobile phone’ and typed out a message: “Maybe you should come kiss me before board meeting tomorrow,” and then ‘squeezed the send button’. 

Questions arising from this include: Why would you allow your craving for a kiss make you violently ‘grab’ a phone - your official phone, bought with tax payers money? Why not just pick it up, calmly, instead of being reckless with public property? And do you have to ‘squeeze’ the send button? Does it add value to your text message if you squeeze it- will squeezing it make the text go faster? 

The Premium Times piece goes ahead to say that you Sanusi, in reply to a flattering text about your astonishing ‘performance’ from your alleged lover, Dr. Yaro, texted back: ‘Alhamdulillahi. Love you.’ Now, it is not the fact that you had sex that is my problem. Why bring God in a matter that was purely your own doing? The decent thing to have said in such a situation would have been, ‘I aim to please, Hajiya. Love you.’ That you did not say this makes me suspect that you are not a man that takes responsibility for his actions. Which is why, as brilliant a banker as you may be, I am afraid to hire people like you when I become President. 

One last question though. What did you call Dr. Yaro in those nice hotel rooms that Premium Times spied out? Did you call her Maryam? Doctor? Mrs? Hajiya? Or did you just whisper, baby? Because Premium Times left out this detail and I think the term of endearment you used while having a nice time will be important when the history of Nigeria is written. I use the term ‘used’ because I assume that this scandal has ruined any chances of that sweet liaison continuing. Accept my sincere sympathies. 

Recently, after our ‘Democracy Day’ celebrations, someone suggested we put up a monument to those who fought for this democracy. The person suggested many names. As president I am sure what to do. I will erect a 100 foot monument. A concrete Viagra pill. Smack in the centre of the Federal Capital Territory as a reminder of who (or what) the real hero of our democracy is. Because we did not get democracy from any struggle or insurgency. NADECO and all those others just screamed. What a thousand activists could not do, Viagra did for us. Which is why I hope Sanusi’s exploits come naturally without the need for any enhancements. It will be sad to lose one of the best bankers we have in this country to a little, exciting pill. 

All of this is why- and I will repeat what I said when I first declared that I was running for president- I will not marry. I will have sex (because the success of this country will depend on my sanity) but no, I will not marry. If Sanusi was not married, and Dr. Yaro was not married it would not have been a big deal that they were having carnal knowledge of each other. Like I said, as president, I will be like Sarkozy when he was president of France- have one steamy hot girlfriend who comes to the villa on weekends with a nice, open sports car, designer glasses and the wind in her hair. That way, no enemies of progress will cast aspersions on my person. 

Ps. So the United States through its ‘Reward for Justice’ program have offered 7million dollars for anyone who provides information leading to the capture of Abubakar Shekau, current head of Jama’atu Ahl as-Sunnah il-Da’awati wal-Jihad. My only problem is, the picture of Shekau they used is blurry and dark. Even I could have found a better one online or from one of his very many clear videos. Just saying.

Ps. 2. So, what’s up with Atiku? Me, I get confused when I want to write about him. Is he a member of the PDP or not? I think he should make up his mind, if not for anything, for the sake of people like us, who need to talk about him. 

Ps. 3. Finally, my rent is due. My landlord sent a letter coldly reminding me of the fact that he had the power to render me homeless. God will treat his matter appropriately, and judge all those who haven’t paid me for my work.