*Because I Care series #8
Since last week, my friends and I have been discussing my foreign policy. Of all the countries I fingered, America has been the subject of most debate. Through all the discussions, a scary pattern began to emerge. Look at the countries that America does not joke with, militarily or economically: Germany, Japan, China, North Korea, Russia. They have all gone to war with America, attacked, or threatened America militarily or economically. This epiphany has not let me sleep since last week. My obsession with Nigerian greatness will not let me continue taking the handouts that undermine any meaningful or competitive progress we may want to make globally. This may very well be the biggest test of my presidency: attack or threaten, militarily or economically; start a nuclear weapons program or kidnap Kim Kardashian.
I wonder, now that North Korea seems serious about attacking South Korea and the American Island of Guam, what if we all are wrong? What if that overweight boy with a bad haircut, has what it takes, to nuke his way to world leadership. What if, instead of the predictions that war will end the regime of North Korea, it is America whose regime will suffer? What if the Americans will protest all the suffering and make Obama take refuge in Kenya? Think of that chubby face staring like a child playing a video game on t-shirts and TV stations (with inaccurate subtitles) around the world. Think of it and join me in praying against North Korean world domination. God forbid that our prayers don’t work and this happens, but if it does, it will be our fault, all of us, and especially those of us on social media who have relentlessly belittled and made fun of the pudgy 29 year old and pushed him into wanting to prove his manhood.
The Supreme Court of Kenya has just confirmed Uhuru Kenyatta as the next president of Kenya. I like Uhuru. You can tell a man who appreciates the good things of life by looking at his eyes. I will hang out with Uhuru. I am glad the Kenyans had the courage to ignore the electoral issues and that evil Wikileaks cable that says that he drinks too much. Who judges a man because they are given to a certain type of liquid?
I don’t get the Israelis and Palestinians. I don’t. Any quarrel that lasts more than one generation must be probed. No one has been able to explain to me in an intelligible manner why they hate each other so much. Me, when a quarrel has lasted so long I start to forget why the quarrel started in the first place. The problem with the Arabs and Israelis then must be their good memories. The Arabs and Jews are known for being good memorizers. They never forget. This scares me. Every time I go for a school recitation, I fear for the kids who are made to memorize large amounts of words. I will introduce laws to ban any sort of activity that requires people to commit anything to memory. I will ban poem recitation in schools and insist that all school dramas be performed by actors reading from sheets of paper. Singers will have to sing from notes. We cannot take any chances.
The French make me laugh. I realize they have been bored for a while as other world powers have been making headlines. The Germans have been leading economically, the Americans have been fighting terror, the Brits have been following closely behind holding America’s briefcase, the Chinese have been keeping the Americans busy but the French, they have been receiving tourists and orders for French recipes. This must be hard to handle especially when they consider themselves one of the world’s main powers. It has taken a huge toll on France’s self esteem. It thus came as no surprise to me when they jumped in to take charge of the war in Mali. I could almost feel them panting with excitement when the French government finally found a way to make real headlines without standing behind Angela Merkel. I hope Mali sustains their interest.
There is a reason Spain and Italy are quiet and sleepy in global politics. Any country where it is not just culturally acceptable but expected for everyone to go to sleep for several hours in the middle of the day (when things are getting heated up around the world) cannot expect to play a major role in global politics. I don’t understand their need to close shops and businesses to go sleep in the middle of the day, but we thank god for Italian pizza.
There has been another case of bird flu in China. I don’t understand these guys. One of my Uncles taught me that if you try something once, twice, thrice and keep having problems, then maybe you should try something else. Is it by force to keep and eat chickens? Can’t they try goats or rams? Why do they keep putting the world at risk of this bird flu? As president I will beg the Chinese to leave this chicken matter. There is something in their country that the chickens just can’t stand.
Ps. I came home last week and found a letter from my landlord. Pay up or move out. I felt a warm trickle down my thighs. It wasn’t urine. It was sweat. I looked again and discovered he had got his dates wrong. I called him. For the next few months at least, I have nothing to fear. I cannot wait to live rent free for four years at least at the Presidential Villa.