HOW TO CELEBRATE DEMOCRACY DAY

People ask me why I always bring God into my advice. It’s really simple. Nigeria is a nation loved by God. When we needed independence, instead of making us fight like the Mau-Mau in Kenya or the ANC in South Africa, He made the British leave in a peaceful handover ceremony. When the military planned to stay in power forever, we didn’t have to march in protest. He sent angels (some say of Indian origin) to take out Abacha. And when it seemed like the minorities were going to die under the oppressive yoke of the major tribes, He gave them the Presidency. Nigerians affirmed God’s gift by re-electing him in a landslide. Thank God for democracy.

 

This surely is a thing worth celebrating, dear President. This is just how you must celebrate it.

The country is being crushed under the weight of violence, darkness, poor infrastructure and corruption. You know this and do not need to be reminded by wicked people who call themselves men of God. So when you are planning the celebrations and some man of God decides you must spend your day saying amens to anti-corruption prayers, ignore him. They have no idea the heavy thoughts you have for this country. How can you waste your time saying endless amens? It is noisy and noise is bad for thinking.

You must prepare a speech. Every Nigerian, including the wicked unpatriotic ones who refuse to watch the local channels, tune in to watch the Democracy day speech. You have the undivided attention of the entire country so the speech must be long and impressive. It must, like a short story have little twists which will reveal exciting things. 

Evil people who cannot see that you have achieved so much in so little time need to be reminded of all they have missed in the past year. They need a little history lesson. How God cleared the way for you to get where you are. People thought there would be war abi? But God was faithful and our democracy is stable. Isn’t that enough for people to be thankful? 

And oh, cassava. They don’t know but you must tell them that cassava is the thing that will replace oil in this country. I mean your Aso-Villa Cassava Bread is already a best seller and you are sure that when it hits the market and Chinese people get used to its taste, they will be buying so much bread from us, that we won’t need America to buy our crude oil. Imagine one billion plus people eating our cassava bread, soaking our garri, swallowing our eba, snacking on our cassava chips on the way to work. People don’t know yet, but one day, they will thank you.

You must say in your speech that although the terrorists are succeeding, Nigerians are resilient. God will judge those terrorists. They can never, ever make Nigeria disintegrate. That is why you are really doing nothing serious about it. You just feel it in your heart, the way you knew you would win last year’s elections, that they can never, ever, succeed. 

You must give Nigerians a gift. Every democracy day, they expect a gift to keep them happy until the following year. Pick a university and rename it. Like the University of Maiduguri. Because you feel guilty about the way the Boko Haram leader Mohammed Yusuf was killed, rename the university after him. I mean he was a bad guy and all but no one deserves to be shot with handcuffs on. So call it ‘Mohammed Yusuf University’, MYU. I know the students will be confused about what to call themselves. Provide useful suggestions, like Yusufiyya’s or Sufi’s for short. Greatest Sufi’s! They will love it. Oh, then announce the establishment of an Institute of Anti-terrorism studies in the university.

You must not in your speech talk about corruption. I mean it’s becoming a cliché and Nigerians are tired of hearing it. It doesn’t matter that the House of Representatives just unraveled damning information about corruption in the oil sector. After all, your former mentor called them rogues, so we can’t trust a word that they say. 

You must not apologise to the Youth Corp members who were not paid for many months. Young people these days are just ungrateful. I mean you see many of them carrying expensive phones- iPhones and Blackberry’s. Some Corp members even have cars! God is watching them. When you were their age you barely had shoes, so they should stop whining. 

People are hard on you. They have been since day one. Nigeria’s problems didn’t start with you. You tell them this but they refuse to believe you. So you will announce the opening of a museum housing images and legacies of all our past leaders just so Nigerians can visit and know just how each of them contributed his quota to spoiling this country. When they see it they will be grateful. Those who still refuse to see, well, God will judge them.

God bless your reign.