FIVE REASONS WHY EL-RUFAI IS NOT A BOKO HARAM COMMANDER

I am not sure why retired General Ihejirika called Nasir El-Rufai a Boko Haram executive commander. I don’t know what evidence he has and we are not friends like that for me to call or WhatsApp him to ask. As president come 2015, it behoves me to intervene when I sense someone being unjustly accused of a crime. El-Rufai is not my supporter, but as the bigger man (if you have met both of us you will see what I mean) I will come to his defence. It is up to him to see the light and support my candidacy. After thorough research, here are five reasons why Nasir El-Rufai cannot be a Boko Haram commander:

1.  Nasir wears glasses. Not cool glasses. Nerdy glasses. A terrorist commander does not need glasses. Let us go into history. Do you know any real terrorist who wears glasses? Osama bin Laden, al-Zarkawi, Hitler, Nelson Mandela (until 2008 in America), Abubakar Shekau. Even Ihejirika himself who has been accused by an Australian negotiator of sponsoring terrorism doesn’t wear glasses – at least not in public. It is a bit hard to picture the diminutive El-Rufai struggling to keep his glasses on the bridge of his nose while planning a bomb attack.

2.   Nasir keeps each of his three wives in a different house. The logic here is simple. A man with a terrorist mindset will show this mindset in most of his dealings. Having a different house for each wife means only one thing: he does not like the trouble that flows naturally from attempting to satisfy more than one woman at the same time in the same space. A sadistic terrorist would keep them in one house and derive pleasure from the intrigues, scheming and in-fighting. Now, when it is very tense in one house, he can just drive to another house. That is a man who likes peace. I don’t know if they have a schedule or timetable or anything, but Nasir seems like the kind of organised person who will draft and print an annual program just so none of the wives gets it twisted. You know, complete with conjugal visits, general hanging out, individual duties and responsibilities and time with the respective in-laws. You may argue that the fact that he has three wives is itself looking for trouble. Calm down. He may be 50, but he is a virile man. Think of it this way: three wives are less stressful, less sinful and less expensive than three mistresses.

3.  I betrayed him and I am still alive. A Boko Haram executive commander would have organised to truncate my earthly hustle a long time ago. Let me explain. You see, I met Nasir a little over a year ago when he still had his back page column in ThisDay Newspapers. He invited me to take his column as a guest and wrote a glowing introduction to my column. Now, gratitude would mean that I also speak well of him and support him in his political hustle. Not long after, he published his book. I did not like the book. I even retweeted a bad review of the book. Yes, retweets are not necessarily endorsements, but you know how people judge you for retweeting bad things about them. For a while we weren’t so friendly on Twitter anymore and I do not know if he was busy or just ignoring me. As if that was not enough, I wrote several articles making fun of his height. Let us just say that many months later, to the glory of God and the credit of Nasir, I have not been attacked or killed. I have not received death threats. In fact, I recently visited his house and was served Indomie by his son, Bello. Yes, the Indomie had no egg or meat (I will talk about this next) but which person will still be kind after all I have written about Nasir?

4.   El-Rufai doesn’t have that much money. Terrorism is very capital intensive. You can tell if a person has a lot of money when you go to his house. The Indomie I was served when I went there had a lonely journey down my stomach. I no longer eat meat, but I still eat eggs. However, I don’t hold it against the El-Rufai family. When you have a large family and dozens of visitors going in and out of your house daily, you have to cut costs. If he had that much money – enough to sponsor terrorism and be a Boko Haram commander – we would not have been reading about his plain Indomie today. Plus the guy is kind of stingy. You know how an older man will call you to his office or house to discuss something or ask you to do something and then when you are leaving sneak some naira notes into your palm? Well, not Nasir. Nasir behaves as if giving people cash causes Ebola.

5.  Nasir talks too much and is too straightforward to be a Boko Haram commander. Any Boko Haram commander would have to be someone who can keep loads of secrets. Otherwise he would jeopardize operations for the entire group. Have you observed how Nasir uses Twitter and Facebook? He excitably tweets everything he thinks about this government and politics. And sometimes it gets him into trouble. If I got 50 naira for every time Nasir tweeted or posted something prematurely, albeit his honest opinion, I would have bought the VW Golf R I have been saving for forever. Often I think that Nasir would suffer major blood pressure issues if he was ever banned from tweeting or using Facebook. If he was an executive Boko Haram commander, the Nasir I know would have one day mistakenly tweeted: “Alhamdulillah, just activated two suicide bombers. Jonathanians will soon receive the shocker of their lives.”

Like I said in the beginning, I do not know if after this lengthy defence, Nasir El-Rufai will see the light and put his weight behind my candidacy. Me, I have done my part. They say you can take a horse to the river but you cannot force it to support your ambition. Or something like that. Whatever Nasir El-Rufai chooses to do, God bless his non-terrorist hustle.