CHOOSING THE RIGHT BAG OF RICE

I must begin by congratulating the good people of Ekiti State. We all watched the elections with bated breaths. Especially as on social media the elections had already been concluded in a free and fair manner with Fayemi being declared as the Twitter winner. In fact some declared that they would have nothing to do with Nigeria should the real Ekiti people vote in Fayose in a free and fair election. However, as rice bearing both PDP and APC logos flooded the state prior to the elections, I was afraid the people would get confused and not know which candidate to vote. Because rice, when stripped naked, looks all the same. But Ekiti people proved me wrong. They proved to me that they could tell rice from rice. In the end, after cooking Fayose’s rice and Fayemi’s rice they came to the wise conclusion that only a consumer can come to: that Fayose’s rice was more nutritious. That takes wisdom. Unlike my soon-to-be-predecessor who doesn’t congratulate foes who unexpectedly win, I wish to congratulate Fayose on his landslide victory. The people of Ekiti deserve him. I will work with him when I become president.

At this point in trying to write this article, the ideas in my head are clashing with the sound of my neighbor’s very noisy generator. The only ideas that emerge now are all the sinister things I could do to stop this generator from running. Permanently. I see the hand of my soon to be predecessor in all of this. His intention is to withhold electricity so that the noise from all the generators around will stop me from thinking my campaign through and defeating him come 2015. But his plans will fail.

However, it is not my political opponents who planted my neighbor’s loud generator close enough to irritate me and truncate my hustle. It is my neighbor who willingly became a pencil in the hands of my political enemies. Because I care, I will enact legislation to stop people like my wicked neighbor from truncating the hustle of all thinking people come 2015.

GENERATOR USE AND ABUSE (PREVENTION) ACT, 2015

An Act to reduce air and sound pollution, to provide for punishment for stupid neighbors with loud generators and other matters related thereto.

1.       Notwithstanding decades of irresponsible leadership and sabotage which has situated most parts of Nigeria in perpetual darkness, and notwithstanding the rights of citizens to seek alternatives for power supply, no citizen shall irritate or abuse his or her neighbors with the sound of his generator.

2.      It shall be an offence to cause sound pollution with the use of noisy generators.

a.      Seeing as air pollution is pollution of air, water pollution, pollution of water, the correct term for infractions covered by this Act shall be sound pollution and not noise pollution which is a nonsensical term. The only other term allowed for pollution of this kind will be aural pollution.

b.      Persons who use the term noise pollution shall be liable to frog jumps for using a term that makes no sense.

3.      It shall count as a defense to culpability if the perpetrator of sound pollution via loud generators allows his neighbor’s to tap from his electricity.

4.      It shall NOT be an offence to pour water, salt or other damaging substances into the fuel tank of an offending loud generator belonging to one’s neighbor.

5.      Persons who cause sound pollution with their loud generators shall not bring an action for damages or bring a criminal report to the Police in the event that a neighbor who as a result of being irritated by sound pollution, destroys the engine of a generator by secretly or openly pouring water or salt in the fuel tank of an offending generator.

6.      Persons who cause sound or aural pollution with their generators shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment equal to the length of time they have cause sound pollution with their generators.

7.      Heat is not a defense to the offence of sound pollution.

8.      A crucial football match shall only be a partial defense to sound pollution, capable of becoming a full defense only if such person invites his neighbors in to watch the game together. The presence of cold drinks at this event shall be an added advantage.

9.      Anyone who causes sound pollution at any time past 10pm at night or before 7am in the morning commits the offence of aggravated sound pollution and shall be liable upon conviction to forfeiture of the offending generator and wearing squeezed clothes to work and other functions for one month.

10.   Generators shared by whole compounds or estates are exempt from this Act.

Ps. Next week I will be attending a security conference organized by the office of the National Security Adviser on “Security and Development Challenges of pastoralism in West and Central Africa”. To get my invitation, I had to send my home address to one of the organizers. Do you see where I am going with this? Yes. The government people now know where I live. Just thought to put it out there.  

Ps 2. It is almost 70 days since the largest single kidnap in recent Nigerian history occurred in Borno State. What is going on?

Ps 3. The spirit of Alamieyeseigha that helped him escape London police (in the form of a woman), helped the Super Eagles escape shame yesterday and finally win a World Cup game. I congratulate them.