Sunday, September 21, 2014

HOW TO BE A NIGERIAN PASTOR


Many manuals are full of jargon and unnecessary information. I have decided to keep this brief and to the point. Because I care.

Fly private.
There is nothing that shows that God is in charge of your hustle like flying private. Spend millions of dollars just so you can travel conveniently and in style. Sure, agents of the devil will call it a waste of money, but they don’t realize that a man of God should not suffer any discomfort while doing the work of the Lord. That is why you are rightly called a man of God. You are too special to spend time waiting at the airport like other normal people. If they are so upset they should go and question the God who blessed your hustle and lifted you above your poor followers.

Bless women with your seed.
Some people may find it less than ideal to sleep with young female members of the congregation, but sometimes these things are beyond human comprehension. When you sleep with female members of the flock, do it with a level of grace that only the anointed can understand. Only God can judge you. And what is sin, when there is grace that abounds?

Ask people to sow seed.
(Because you have lost so much seed with the sisters in the church) Ask people to sow seed so that God can bless them richly. Because if they do not sow seed by paying into the designated envelopes or bank accounts you have given them, nothing will grow in their lives and their souls and finances will be as barren as dry shrubs out in the desert. They sow seed into your bank account, they get blessings, you get blessings, everybody is happy.

Do not pay tax.
Again, these many agents of the devil may spread rumours about your stupendous wealth and the luxury in which you live. Yes, you are making a profit, but whose business is that? Is it not where a person works that he will eat? And did God not promise you prosperity? Only wicked persons will want to deprive you of what they did not give to you. So what if your wealth is the result of weekly sermons about tithing? Humans, being what are, will forget to give God his due. It is your duty to remind them. One of the problems is that people assume it is your money. You may be spending it, but it is not yours. You are only a caretaker. People need to just calm down, pay their tithes, and trust you to know how to balance accounts with God.

Remind people to never, ever, speak evil against a man of God.
Like I said before, humans need reminding. Our rebellious nature sometimes gets the better of us and we begin to look too hard at the life of a man of God or worry about his immorality. A man of God is not subject to the same rules as ordinary people. You have a level of grace that mere mortals cannot understand. You need to keep reminding your members to fear God and by extension, fear you. Because questioning you means questioning God. And all those who question you will not make heaven.

Hang out with corrupt politicians from time to time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being close friends with a corrupt government. Was Jesus not a friend to harlots and tax collectors? And what on earth is worse than the Jewish tax collectors in the time of Jesus? You need to make corrupt people feel at ease in the presence of God; who knows, perchance they may be persuaded and accept the gospel of Jesus. Lay hands on them from time to time. And when they make huge donations, purify the money with the blood of Jesus and move on.


 There is nothing like a good healing.
Claim to heal people from time to time. Sometimes you may have to hire and pay actors but it is all to draw people and make them believers. After all, did the bible not say that God told Abraham to sacrifice his son when He knew he had a sheep waiting nearby? Was that not deception by human standards? But the scriptures say that the wisdom of the world is foolishness with God. While you perform miracles however, never attempt to heal people who get injured in your church premises during say a stampede or the collapse of your church building. (Also, make predictions and prophecies about everything from politics to football but do not make predictions about your own life and church, even if a great tragedy is about to happen. This is bad karma. And sometimes God just prefers football to collapsing buildings. Don’t ask me why. He works in mysterious ways.)

When you go on crusades and travel to perform signs and wonders, travel with your personal physician.
You know how doctors are advised not to treat themselves or their family members? Well the same rule applies with men of God. No need to heal yourself or your family. After all, doctors also need to eat. And like Jesus, you like to feed multitudes.


When your wife, who is also a pastor in your church, catches you sleeping with other women and moves out of the house, ask your congregation to pray for her. 
Because it is your wife who needs the prayers, not you. It is her hard heart that needs healing and forgiveness so that she can recover from the mistake of exposing you and attempting to get a divorce. She does not realize what she will miss. Where else will she go to get seed as holy and anointed as yours?
Alternatively, make her do a video denying all allegations and giving an account of your faithfulness which people who try to make war against the kingdom of God refuse to see. Let her stand by you when you deny the allegations and call her mummy. The congregation will look into her eyes, see her certainty and know that there is no way you could have been involved in threesomes or coming on the back of strippers. 


Use the word “da” in place of “the”.
For example:
Da lord wants you to give me his tithes for my private jet.
Da bible says touch not my anointed.
Sounds nicer.



20 comments:

  1. There's a lot of truth in this post. I commend you for being brave enough to spit it out. You do know your Scriptures. You must be a very good lawyer too. Thanks for the laughter.

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    1. Thanks a lot for your comment and for stopping by my blog

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  2. Brilliant piece but will Nigerians learn not to line the pockets of these gods of men?

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  3. El-nathan, God bless u. A paragraph for every Pastor. Very funny

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  4. Shaking my head....Great piece El Nathan.

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  5. Elnathan.....typical you!!! Well written!!!!

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  6. Amazing! No one has insulted you yet!!! Seems like you attract the right crowd to your blog. Big ups to you for having the stones to tackle this thorny issue. Keep on writing and we will keep on reading and sharing your blog.

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  7. Nice one, like always. Thumbs up.

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  8. I know satire is your trade but i'm taking it serious because I follow you on twitter and I have read all your expletive concerning some pastors. In my candid view,the blame should go to brethren,who follow sheepishly. Pastors are like every mortal. It's the grace of God that makes the different and the same bible makes us to know grace can be abused,and be withdrawn by the same giver of grace if abused and replaced if forgiveness is sought,but there are times when the situation is beyond redemption. However,some pastors become unrepentant because of deification by brethren who think pastors are beyond reproach. Hence,lack of gut for restitution after a blunder,which is what is expected of them by God and man(Act 24:16).Any which way,that wouldn't stop some of us from believing in God and the doctrine of the bible. While we'll also continue to faithfully accord any reputable and respectable men of God with due honor and lampoon any pastor that rub the name of our God in the mud through any shameful behavior without restitution.

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  9. haha, this just made my day! thanks Elnathan. :)

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  10. Abeg where this blog dey since? I luv it!!

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  11. this involves a touch of T.B Joshua

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  12. Great piece you have there, Me thinks pastoring isn't a calling anymore, it has become a profession, I allude to Oladipo Abiodun's submission that the brethren should be blamed for following sheepishly,(All have gone lazy and have fallen short of the understanding of God). It is time we each return to being the Berean christian (Acts 17:11), don't just take it hook, line and sinker, check with your Bible!

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  13. lol.......private jets and private schools that your congregation build but their children cannot attend. Beautiful, brief and honest.

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  14. Elnathan dee craze. Was thinking you live in glass house,how come you are throwing this kind of stone?

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  15. Man of the paper and Annointed Critic, it's happy to know you have also found your calling. May God expand your ministry and equally bless you with critics. And the church says...

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  16. Hilariously anointed piece.

    And the Church shall know the truth......

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  17. The 11th one took me off on the wings of uncontrollable laughter; my God!!!!!

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?