Sunday, September 14, 2014

HOW TO BE A WOMAN IN NIGERIA

I wanted to write an article on “How to be a Man”, seeing as we are told in scripture that man was made before woman. But since that manual was going to be too short for its own column, I decided to include it here.
How To Be a Man in Nigeria:
Do what you want, when you want, how you want. The world is yours. Only fellow men can stop you. The End.
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us talk about women.
This is how to be a woman in Nigeria.
As a woman you must understand the Grundnorm which will guide you throughout life: You, having been made from the ribs of a man, are inferior to man. Once you understand this, every other thing becomes easier to swallow.
In Nigeria, your life is incomplete without a man. So when you have got those degrees, that plum job, that house, those cars, it would be right for a journalist to ask you: so, (after all these irrelevant achievements) when are you going to get married? Because in Nigeria, a woman who does not get married will not make heaven. She is incomplete, like a missing sock, or the left leg of a sandal.
As a woman professional who has done the right thing and got married, you must prepare in every interview to answer the following question: How do you balance family and work? It does not matter that successful men with many wives and dozens of children are never asked about work-family balance. It is not a man’s job to take care of children. That is why you were made. And that is why when you decide to go and become successful, we need to ask you if you are neglecting your primary responsibility, which is cleaning up after the man you married.
A good, scripture-believing woman must avoid agents of the devil, like those who say that women need to have the same rights as men. Any woman who tells you that women are equal human beings and deserve the same treatment is a woman that wants to drag you to hell.
In matters of sex, you must never admit to knowing anything more than basic lying down and letting it happen to you. You are not a participant. You are a mere facilitator in an activity designed to make your superior human enjoy the process. That is why women who talk about their sex life are called sluts. It does not matter that it takes two to tango. If nature wanted you to be a human being like a man, it would not have made you the one carrying the pregnancy. A slut simply defined is a woman who wrongfully appropriates to herself the right to enjoy sex. I would advise you not to worry about the fact that a man, who does the same thing a slut does, is called a stud. Even in the animal kingdom, male and female animals have different names. That is why a male dog is called a dog and a female, a bitch. It is not my fault. Ask the white people who came up with those names. Just remember the Grundnorm: women are inferior to men.
The rule is, never admit to enjoying sex or even to having had previous partners or boyfriends. If you meet a man and you are not a virgin, you must find a way of explaining why you are in this sinful state. You can say that you were doing inter-house sports in secondary school and while doing the high jump, you lost your hymen. Or you can blame it on riding bicycles. But if you have to admit to ever having had sex, say that it happened only once and that you did not enjoy it even. Say that he deceived you. Then the man will forgive you for not being a virgin. Do not ask how many women he has been with – how is this relevant? It is your virginity that counts. However, never ever admit to having been sexually abused, because you will be blamed for putting yourself in the position to be raped. And no one will want you.
Do you have a daughter? Do not despair. Sometimes God tests us with trials. While believing God for the miracle of a son in your life, I have prepared a list of things you must do to prepare your girl child to be the ideal woman. Follow this list and your daughter will turn out to be a happy, blessed Nigerian woman:
1.      Let her wear pink. Girls wear pink. It does not matter if she likes blue.
2.     Teach her to be a princess. Princesses sit all day in castles and wait to be rescued by princes to whom the world belongs. Her goal should be to make a prince happy one day.
3.   Do not teach her how to change light bulbs, car tires or lift heavy items. That is for her brothers. This will ensure that she will go through life depending on men to do these things for her. A woman who knows how to depend on a man is a happy woman.
4.    Teach her how to be a good wife. This means first knowing how to clean and cook for a man. Because if you do not cook for a man, he will find another, well-trained cooking woman to sleep with. And it will be your fault. On no account should you teach your son how to cook. This will weaken him and make him a slave to some evil witch of a woman. You do not want this.
5.    Teach her to know her place. A woman does not raise her voice where there are men. That is a badly behaved woman with no home training. A good woman knows that silence is golden.
6.   Let’s say your daughter has finished university and just found work. While it is ok to buy a car for your son to make it easy for him to get to work, you must not do so for your daughter. In fact, before she gets married you must advise her against buying a car for herself. This scares men away. And god forbid that your daughter ends up as an old angry spinster. Old angry spinsters become feminists or worse, lesbians. And we all know lesbians and feminists will not make heaven.
7.    Teach her to cover her body properly and wear very long skirts. Because women who expose their bodies provoke men into raping them. You don’t want the devil to use your daughter to tempt men.
8.   Avoid things that may make your daughter look like a lesbian or diminish her feminine appearance. If she must engage in extra-curricular activities, make sure they are activities for women like skipping rope. Forbid her from doing anything that can make her calves or shoulders look muscular or like yam tubers. Discourage her from lifting weights, and excessive sports. Excessive sports can make her woman parts, like breasts, reduce in size. God forbid that your daughter ends up looking like a man. Next thing you know, lesbians will start eyeing her. God forbid.
I will keep sharing tips with you as they come to me. Because I care.
God bless your hustle as you try to become the perfect happy Nigerian woman.



40 comments:

  1. Pls do not write this kind of nonsense again. U need the prerequisite exposure to be eligible to post articles on issues like this. Pls do not abuse these fora with myopic views like this.

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    1. Bahahahaha, this is the perfect joke to end the article. My belly hurtsa from so much laughing!!!

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    2. Keep calm & breathe. It's satire. You're apparently new here *wink*

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    3. Yes indeed. .. it is myopic that he satarises a culture that oppresses and diminishes the potential of more than 80 million Nigerian HUMAN beings.

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  2. Hahaha... It is an African thing.

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  3. @charlesteron: It's a satire...smile.

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  4. Pls do not write this kind of nonsense again. U need the prerequisite exposure to be eligible to post articles on issues like this. Pls do not abuse these fora with myopic views like this.

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  5. Y ' all need to calm down. If you're a female Nigerian, you know this is what people expect.

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  6. Hahaha, chai chai chai diaris God o!!!! *Blows nose in handkerchief *

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  7. "Old angry spinsters become feminists or worse, lesbians". hahaha, love this!

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  8. hahahahah lost your hymen doing high jump, general double standards across Africa I think

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  9. Society and its norms
    I have been breaking the status quo since I was 6
    I am not about to stop now
    Abi how will I make my marks in the sands of time if I only do what other women do
    I was born to break the status quo and keep breaking it

    I agree with you on this, to a certain extent
    because you know you have a big mouth, right.

    My agreeing with you or disagreeing with you doesn't matter to you but it matters to me
    So I just had to add that before you think I agree with everything you say.

    BUT

    It was well written
    Let's see what the society brainwashed men think!

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  10. I love you
    I love you so much
    These people don't deserve you
    They don't understand, and can't deal with interactions with a superior being
    Let's get married and not have children
    You know...
    once I hit legal age

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahahahaha. Thanks for your flattering comment.

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  11. 'You were doing inter-house sports in secondary school and while doing the high jump.' I like this part so much, it got me laughing out loud. Elnathan check out Chimamanda's talk about being a feminists and compare with your talk.

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    1. I have listened to that brilliant Chimamanda talk. And needless to say, I agree with it wholeheartedly.

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    2. Please can I have your email?

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  12. Epic! Mbok who is dis brilliant blogger?

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  13. Brilliant, as usual. I didn't want to stop reading.

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  14. This is my first comment on any of your pieces. One word; Splendid!

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  15. This El Nathan knows how to breed non-conformists.

    For this I like his writing.

    I like it very much.

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  16. Funny post. But it's incomplete. I think I can make d male part longer.

    Do what you want, when you
    want, how you want. The world
    is yours. Only fellow men can
    stop you. The End.

    P. S. Also do not engage in anything considered to be feminine else u'll be labelled gay or weak. Also you should never admit you're a virgin to a girl except you want her to tag you as inexperienced, a sisi or not man enough. You're going to be constantly under pressure to act immoral to show your masculinity by drinking or smoking or both... But don't worry. You're the man and you still can do anything you wanna do but just don't do those.

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    Replies
    1. U forgot to add don't show ur emotions, feelings are for women. Never cry, it's just not done

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    2. U forgot to add don't show ur emotions, feelings are for women. Never cry, it's just not done

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  17. Nice twist on a pressing issue :)

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  18. Sending this link to my people, could not have said it better if I had said it myself. Dude you are gifted, and hilariously a truth teller.

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  19. Very funny and true but I've been breaking these rules since 1800. Thank God for my parents cos they've never made me feel lesser than my brothers.

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  20. As a female you had better pray you have a male child, if not you are a witch..
    Btw another great piece from a great writer..
    Thexpositions.wordpress.com

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  21. With 6 elder brotherbrothers, I still haven't had cause to change a light bulb. I am not complaining either!

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  22. With 6 elder brotherbrothers, I still haven't had cause to change a light bulb. I am not complaining either!

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  23. Very true and incisive piece! I love how 'woke' you are!

    Lots of love from your fellow feminist.

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  24. Very very hilarious. I really enjoy reading your stuffs. You are gifted. How can I get hold of your book(s)?

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You fit vex, bet abeg no curse me. You hear?