Sunday, November 24, 2013


Because I Care #36

The Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford was in the news this week after refusing to resign over allegations of alcohol abuse and the use of crack cocaine. Rob is a foolish man. No one would have known he was a junkie if he didn’t start misbehaving in public and insulting people. That is why I support our FCT Minister, Bala Mohammed who doesn’t see the need to appear often to Abuja people. Yes you can say Abuja is a small safe place and that the Minister ought to be seen more in the city looking at things for himself instead of trying to make the first couple happy. You can say that but it would not be fair. There is the principle of see-finish. I know Abuja residents- just because you get a loan to buy a new KIA or can afford rent of over one million in the city you think you have arrived and lose all respect for important people. We don’t want one small boy with a second-hand Honda to insult our honorable Minister just because he can. 

Recently Malam Bala made a suggestion that completely aligned with a part of my campaign manifesto. It is as if he had been reading my column. He suggested that Abuja residents start riding bicycles. God will bless Bala immensely. When I become President I will retain him in the FCT. Maybe not as Minister, but this loyalty to my manifesto has to be rewarded. This has nothing to do with the fact that half the manholes in the city are open or that the traffic lights range from epileptic to nonexistent; it has nothing to do with the fact that Abuja is one of the most pedestrian-unfriendly cities in the world. It is the thought that counts. 

There is something else I like about Bala Mohammed. First if you look at all the billboards where his face appears, you will find that his lips are inordinately dark. Now I know Nigerians and their addiction to Photoshop. People airbrush even photos of newborns. The next generation of kids will never know what they really looked like as kids. Another man would have Photoshopped the darkness from his lips to run from any speculation that he could be a smoker of leaves with psychotropic effects. I strongly suspect he is a man of god and that his dark lips are natural (believe it or not, some persons have naturally dark body parts). I just think that the title of Mayor could have suited him more. Just think of him in a rally in an open top car begging for votes in Abuja. Cool no?

My soon to be predecessor, Mr Jonathan fell ill one day after turning 56, in London. They say he has chronic stomach ache and had to check into an ‘undisclosed’ London Hospital. I have heard that ‘President Jonathan is said to have a taste for ogogoro’, a rumour spread by evil news media like Sahara Reporters. Of course Mr Abati whose job description is denial, has denied that any form of alcohol is served in the presidency. I don’t like rumours. That is how I will be sitting as President and Sahara Reporters will say that I like dog meat when everyone knows that in spite of the fact that my village people like it, I cannot bring myself to eating man’s best friend. (I will order a hack of that evil website when I get to power.)

It is not in my interest for my opponent to be sick. I want a healthy Goodluck so that when I beat him at the polls they will not say I was aided by his chronic stomach ache. And I just want to say that, (especially now that he is closer to sixty than before and dangerously around the normal life expectancy for Nigerian males) in the unlikely event that the ogogoro rumours are true, Mr Jonathan should try to cut down on drinking. He is not getting any younger. For one thing, drinking kills libido and there are few things as frustrating as a physically active man who cannot perform. I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies.

The Anambra elections held last weekend. After months of preparation and the deployment of thousands of personnel, INEC declared them inconclusive. Let’s just say that if INEC tries that rubbish and attempts to truncate my hustle in 2015, my reaction will much more potent than an angry press conference like that of Ngige and the other candidates who lost. To be forewarned is to be reminded to act with sense.

Ps. Nigeria eats up its own children. Last week, our roads and reckless driving took the life of Professor Festus Iyayi, former ASUU President and Commonwealth Book Prize winner. Officials of the FRSC were quoted as saying that this was caused by the dangerous driving of a car in the Kogi State Governor’s convoy on the forever unfinished Abuja-Lokoja road. The sooner we begin to make more direct connections between bad governance, impunity, corruption and death, the sooner we will realize how dire our situation is. If you steal the money meant for a highway, or delay its construction so you can steal more money, you are responsible for all those who die on that bad or narrow highway. If because you are corrupt, faulty planes that shouldn’t fly are flying, you are responsible for the deaths that result from bad planes crashing. The connection is simple: every corrupt politician is a potential murderer.


  1. did you read the part sahara reported he was with our super minister of petroleum before he fell sick? that is how when you become president they will say you were with okonjo iwela before your

  2. Dis "jagajaga kontiri" don tire me o. Oga John, since you look promising as a prospective promise-keeping president, I'll personally ensure that you become our next "president-elect," by the power of Naija's brawn-braver-than-brain!

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