Sunday, March 10, 2013


* ('Because I Care' series #4)

Last week I discussed the travesty of nosy white saviors in our face, everywhere from International NGOs to lead characters in black movies. We agreed that when I become president we will find a way to make them leave. Since then, some have tried to convince me of the importance of white saviors and how not all of them are bad. Well, my quick response to them is that they are beyond redemption- as useless to us as a pot that has been used to boil peppersoup to a person who wants to boil bathing water. No matter how much you wash that pot, you will still feel the pepper in your eyes and privates. 

I have however since been filled with guilt for not appreciating the role of the single most important tool in the fight against the scourge of the white savior complex- the black savior (‘BS’ for short. I will use BS and ‘the black savior’ interchangeably). God bless the black savior. As president I shall order a minute of silence for the black savior before I begin any speech. Allow me to introduce the black savior.

Relative to the average hopeless, poverty-stricken citizen, the black savior stands in a position of privilege. They live abroad, shielded from typhoid, malaria, fuel queues, too-hot-for-sex weather, homophobia as a government policy, shameless politicians and killer soldiers. Some have recently returned from living abroad, following epiphanies of how desperately the country needs their expertise, talent, and superior foreign currency. Some might maliciously imply that, of these returnees, most are fleeing harsh economic conditions, foreigners they have impregnated or defrauded, taxes or the law, but it is wrong to judge the intentions of Man. That is the work of God. And God does not treat usurpers kindly. 

The easiest identifying characteristic of the black savior is an intense hatred for the white savior. The black savior would beat the white savior with a tree trunk if he caught him in a forest where assault was not against the law.  More importantly, the black savior has as the singular goal in life, protecting the black man from the white savior.

Some black saviors after being persecuted on the basis of their political beliefs or sexuality have gotten asylum in white countries. Some others, all thanks to their parents, were born in white countries and are citizens of those countries. They are in the vanguard of the protection of black dignity and rights. Like when that blue-eyed busybody went and (some say ‘innocently’, but like black saviors I don’t care) raised millions of dollars to fight an African warlord (Kony of the Lord’s Resistance Army) that we had all forgotten about. For all we know Kony could be pining away from Syphilis in some forest. Thank god that BS jumped in and criticized that white boy to madness. Next time he will think before trying to save black people from themselves. 

Sometimes black saviors speak for oppressed black people in international media. They tell the world what we need. Because they know. They may not have lived here for long, but trust me, they know. Black savior gay rights activists for example know that gay people in places like Nigeria, NEED to get married like their gay counterparts in the West. So they take flights from nice Western Capitals and land in Lagos or Abuja, stay in nice hotels and speak to our parliament about how Nigerian gay people really, really need to be allowed to marry. Some evil homophobes would say that this hurts the Nigerian gay community and that many non-straight people in Nigeria would really just like to be left alone. Me, I appreciate their work, even if it makes people like our highly polygamous virile-father-of-nearly-20 Senate President hate them more. Heaven bless the good hearts of black saviors. 

The black savior usually writes from abroad, taking the time out of a busy schedule comprising two to four jobs, to moan about how bad the country is, how things must change, how we must reject the influence of white saviors in our insane countries. I imagine BS hunched over laptops, iPads and tea (or coffee, I hear they all love coffee once they go abroad) and ridiculously fast internet connections typing furiously about the state of the nation, human rights, our ‘inchoate’ publishing industry or bad white guys. This isn’t easy. I salute their courage. 

Once in a while BS may even brave the cold and hold a placard outside the Nigerian embassy in their sane country of residence. Now it is important to note that just like Jesus warned about imposters who would perform miracles in his name, not everyone carrying a placard in the name of Nigeria in a white country is a black savior.  We must be vigilant.

Sometimes, after returning from a long stay abroad, the black savior may have what I have christened Sane Country Withdrawal Syndrome (SCWS). This is a serious ailment and all decent people must show empathy. I will encourage people to start NGOs to deal with this when I get to power. The Sane Country Withdrawal Syndrome (SCWS) is an imperceptible bastard that creeps up on the black savior without a big announcement.  I have however studied the symptoms. Because I care.  After a few years of returning, (during which time the foreign accent may or may not be lost- this depends on how early the parents intervened to save their child from the insane nation of his or her birth) the black savior is still shocked at how things are done ‘in this country’. You will hear things like ‘When I was in Cincinnati’, ‘This how we used do it in Brussels’ or ‘This is tosh! The British would never do this’ in every bit of conversation. SCWS does not allow the black savior to ever feel at home in his own country. There is a resultant irritation and frustration that becomes worse upon the traumatic realization that it has become impossible to go back to the white country. In my prayers I will reserve a minute everyday for BS living with SCWS. Because I care.

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