October 28, 2011 - 2:27am | By Elnathan John
You are an artist. You have gone from begging DJ’s of local radio stations to play your tracks, (bribing them actually), and have graduated to getting a record deal and being invited for live shows and performances. The music is doing well, bus drivers know the chorus, UNILAG and LASU students play your songs in the hostels and at parties. In fact the music is doing so well, you have stopped hanging out at those local joints when you go home and can now afford the originals of those knock-off designer shades you used to wear. You have moved to Lagos or are thinking of doing so. Great job. All is well. But you need to be on Channel O and Trace Urban and get nominated for those African Music Awards that are always won by Nigerians. What you need is that world class video to go with it. Here’s what to do.
You need to think of a good location to shoot your video. Yes, some of the big names in Nigerian music today started shooting videos in Lagos cabs and University Campuses, but you don’t need to take that long route. The cash is there. Your tracks are already popular. You need to do it big. Because you can afford it, snub Nigeria. There are no good locations in Nigeria. Indoors or outdoors. Not one. A rough downtown street in South Africa is much better than the most picturesque part of Nigeria. Even if your song will feature a street (with streetlights), one man, one woman and a car. And if you need to add to that a girl with a larger than life waist line, go to South Africa. We don’t have that here either. What? It’s going to be shot in a studio? It doesn’t matter. We don’t have a single good studio either. A good music video is one shot in South Africa, or America or Europe. Don’t argue. And if you can afford to do it in London, make sure the director includes in the opening, ‘London, UK’, just in case we miss the narrow London Streets and houses.
You are a Nigerian singing about an Igbo girl, talking about her mother. Feature an old South African woman smiling or attempting to dance. No one will notice. It will be shot on beautiful 35mm celluloid with all the best effects money can buy. It doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be beautiful.
Because there has to be some sensuous dance in your video it will be important to get a lot of girls for your video. When auditioning, don’t look at faces. Nobody wants to see the faces of women. Breasts have to be more than sufficient and yes she has to be bootylicious. Whatever the word means. Early in the video make sure you show the body of a woman. Plenty cleavage please. Preferably let her dance with her behind. Men must cover as much of their body as possible. They must wear fez caps, long sleeved jackets on top of t-shirts , dark shades, you know, that kind of thing. Women, must cover as little of their bodies as possible. Learn from black American Hip hop. Watch the music channels on DSTV and you will see what I mean.
Now even though this is a Nigerian video, to show that you have truly arrived, you need to have that odd white girl making a fool of herself in the club or on the dance floor in addition to the many black girls with excessive, oily makeup. More than one white girl is great. If you can’t find a white girl get a pretty mixed race girl with long hair. You can find a lot of them in Port Harcourt. Show flashing clips of the mixed race girl. We will think she is white. Worst case scenario, get a really light skinned girl and let her wear a really long greasy weave or wig. Let her wear green or blue contact lenses. We will think she is mixed race.
I like it so far. Then, the pool scene. Every party is done near a pool with naked girls. If you can’t get a pool, use a Jacuzzi or a big bath tub with people drinking and smoking Cuban cigars. And please nobody drinks beer in Nigeria. Everyone drinks wine and champagne. Ehen, the flashy sports car! Never forget the flashy sports car. What of a Hummer? No, the days of Hummers are past. Kennis Music already spoilt that for all of us with that Yellow one. Remember it? You don’t know where to get a cool flashy ride? They can add that in Post production using the computers. It’s pretty easy. You will be shocked at the results when you see yourself singing beside or inside a car you have never touched in your life. And you will silently say a prayer for the white man who invented computers. That prayer is in order.
Don’t worry about your video winning awards. Many of these things are done by voting anyway and you don’t have to have the best video. We have a huge population with texting power (save money for recharge cards for the purpose) and it is only a matter of time until your first shiny ‘African’ award. All I ask is that you acknowledge me when you receive the award. Elnathan, not Nathan. That is all.